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I don't know what to say to my Dad to make him understand and also not get defensive about my critique. I also know that Mum will get defensive herself and not make it easy for him to talk to her if by some miracle I manage to get the message through to him. They definitely need to communicate more in an open and un-judgemental manner if anything is going to get better. I find it hard though because I've inherited their lack of communication skills myself and emotional topics make me very uncomfortable. So when they talk to me about things I also find it easier to clam up and avoid the topic which is the last thing either of them need.
I also don't know if it's worth getting involved at all because if Mum's right and Dad has never loved her then I think that it'd be almost a good thing for them to split (even though this idea makes me very upset). Also if Mum does really hate him then it may already be too far gone, I don't think I can rectify 30 years of feeling uncared for.
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Hi lilouise, welcome to Psych Central and the forums. This site can be very helpful when people have challenges and simply don't know what to do.
I quoted what you wrote above because the way your parents have put you in the middle of THEIR relationship problems means they need professional help. You are right, you do not have the knowledge or training or life skills to act as a marriage counselor. The things your mother is saying to you are things she should be discussing with a therapist.
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tldr: how to make my parents communicate openly and non-judgmentally with each other about a loss of feeling for each other? Also how to ask my Dad if he ever actually loved my Mum without him getting defensive and me getting uncomfortable?
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You are the child here, you want to just love both your parents and you are still very young. What you need to do is get "both" your parents together and sit them down and tell them that you can see they are struggling with their relationship right now and they tend to come to you to vent their frustrations and you love them both but you are NOT qualified to counsel them with THEIR relationship problems. That is the TRUE answer to all your questions about this challenge you are having with your parents.
Your parents go to a dentist when they have dental problems, they go to a doctor when they do not feel well, it's not your job to know how to fix their teeth or be their doctor because you are not trained to perform those skills, so the same is true for helping them with their relationship problems.