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Originally Posted by sarahsweets
When I read this I really couldn't believe it but 500$!!!I cant even wrap my head around that type of greed and entitlement. It doesnt matter if the past wasnt good with your daughter. You cant change the past, you try and live your best life now and be good to her EMOTIONALLY, spirit-to-spirit. Money has never been able to make humans happier. Sure temporarily, maybe make life easier but never true contentment. That part comes from inside. And who the f**k does this son in law think he is? What kind of respect is that for the mother of his wife?
I know I am very direct and blunt but I do not waste time anymore beating around the bush or walking on egg shells. I just tell it as it is. I would talk to her alone and tell her that you love her and will support her emotionally as much as you can but you will no longer be her entertainment committee and personal financer when she visits. And to drink that much alcohol indicates to me that someone has a problem because that is not normal-and definitely not normal for a visit at your moms. And if she is like this now she most probably will use the baby to hijack your heart. You are going to have to put up with it. Its sh*tty and selfish and unfair to the baby but you are not the one doing it , she will be. People that use children and grandchildren to basically blackmail or coerce someone into behaving a certain way have issues-issues that go beyond just having bad history with someone. And that son in law? be direct with him to. "I dont know if you realize it but you do not treat me very well when you visit. I feel like I deserve to be treated better when you come, especially because you are a guest in my house." See what he says. He very well could back down, or he could be a **** about things but you have to set some boundaries.
We teach people how to treat us. If we put up with bad behavior and poor treatment, we are teaching those people that we have no problem with getting treated like crap. If you put a stop to it and stick to your bottom line there is hope that it will stop. He may very well freak out and influence your daughter. That will be heart wrenching-but not your fault. My 18 year old high school senior took off last March and moved in with this party girl and her druggie family. After cutting her phone and towing away the car that was in our name, we had to pull away and let things take their course. It was so hard. To know she was on the only side of town doing god knows what and there was nothing I could do about it because she was 18. BUT she came back, went to rehab and lives in a sober house, graduated high school and is working towards getting back with family. We had to raise the bottom line to meet her. Do not tolerate it anymore, If you do it is you who will pay the price and you who will be at fault. I dont mean to be harsh but as I said I am very direct.
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My daughter did the same... dropped out of high school... drugs for a few years... lots of financial issues piled up.... she did pay off her debts because we made it clear we would only help if she either went back to school or if she worked a second job instead of partying all weekend. She never worked a second job and never went back to school. Hubby and I have worked hard and saved and have gone without extras like vacations in order to prepare for retirement. But all my daughter sees is that we have a nice home and they both clearly assume we can afford whatever.... the son in law even mentions expensive steak houses and whatnot while he’s here.
Everybody is right in telling me I have failed to set boundaries. My daughter went more than a decade of only talking to me and visiting about twice a year... guess when those times were... she called and visited around her birthday and Christmas. I’ve allowed myself to be guilted into generosity at birthday and Christmas because I never helped her out when she went through hard times.... I offered help but on the terms that she also help herself and so she refused it.
I’ve got to get a grip on this emotionally so I can make better decisions. If I don’t, that grand baby will walk on me just like they do. And when I do retire, I can afford to feed and entertain them like this.
You are completely right. I’ve taught them to treat me like a doormat. I don’t let anybody else in my life walk all over me... except my daughter and it’s a big double standard... I’ve beat myself up for years and years that I’m a bad mother and I’ve got to stop it.