It sounds like you are not wanting to be direct for fear of not being able to have a relationship with the baby or with your daughter or both.


I agree with the other person who suggested counseling. For you and your husband to learn some techniques for dealing with your daughter and son-in-law.


If you don't want or can't afford that--you might try an old-fashioned technique of allowing your husband to be more of a buffer between your daughter+son-in-law...for example...Dad might say: "We're not big drinkers, and so if you want Stoli [beer, wine, whiskey, whatever it is] while you are here, I suggest you bring it with you."


Dad might also say: "Mom has been tired lately. When you visit, please don't expect her to prepare food all day long. We eat 3 meals a day and a snack about 3, that's plenty to ask of her."


Dad could say: "Fried food is off the menu here; if you want that when you are here, why don't you and [the glaring son in law] plan to go out by yourselves one evening while you are here, Mom and I will stay home with baby." And all of these things you could say for yourself. None of what I suggest is rude, mean or unloving. We can love our children without catering to them.


Stop buying gifts other than for the occasions you want to buy them; and then temper the amount you spend. If you get any expressed problems with that...say "At this point in my life I need to conserve my finances." Any pouting or dirty looks, you can ignore -- or you can address.


I'm guessing he learned to be greedy in his own home and your daughter is under his influence plus it suits her unspoken agenda--her unspoken agenda seems to be some sort of unhappiness. But remember, she is an adult now. She can get therapy to deal with her unhappiness.


The hard fact is that with people who think money is everything? There is never enough money/gifts/extravagances.


Your daughter's problem could have very little to do with anything you have done or not done. You might try approaching it like that:


"Daughter, you seem unhappy." [wait for response]. If you are accused directly of something, respond as appropriate.


If you are given a vague, "need more things/money/extravagances," respond with a hard truth that all parents should be able to tell their children: "Things/money/extravagances do not make a happy life...here are some things that do: [then according to your culture, faith, lifestyle, etc. share some things that do: love among family and friends, doing a good job, enjoying time with friends and family, getting an education, contributing to the betterment of society, etc...]"


Filthy son-in-law should be told directly: "We clean up after ourselves in this household; please wipe down the counter after you shave, etc" [whatever applies] Bullies are only able to bully like he has been doing because you are folding under his glare and continued boorish behavior.


I know I have posted a lengthy reply. Bottom line: when we love each other we want the best for each other -- going both ways. What is best for your daughter and son-in-law is that they stand on their own two feet and what is best for you is you love them without being enslaved by them.


I'm guessing you are fearing they will withhold the baby from you. I am doubting they will; and I suggest you move forward with the idea that they will not do this. I wish you and your family the very best.