elliecake, what you are experiencing is very normal for many people with bipolar disorder. It can be a normal feeling for older people, but I believe it is especially a common feeling for younger people with bipolar disorder.

I remember at 15 years old I thought I had schizophrenia, but I didn't tell anyone. Truth was, I was manic with mixed features. It was a scary time for me. People DID notice and I was sent to a therapist. Unfortunately for me, way back when therapists (and even psychiatrists) weren't as apt to diagnose bipolar in such young person. Again, they knew something was seriously not right with me, but didn't diagnose me. I guess they thought I had a situational nervous breakdown of sorts. Given that, when my mood episode did sort of subside, I thought it was over...like the flu. Though at that time I didn't think I faked it, I did think it was over and likely forever.

My mental health issues were not over at 15 years old. No. They were recurring throughout my life, but with full remissions in between (that's how bipolar can work) OR, I had milder manias into which I had no insight. Since many in my family had seen such behavior in other undiagnosed members, oddly, that kind of behavior can be "normalized" in some family. "That's the way she/he is from time to time."

But back to the feeling like you're faking your mental illness, I suppose I didn't have that precise feeling until much further down the line when I did receive a formal diagnosis, which you have. It's amazing how one CAN have multiple psychiatric hospitalizations and in between wonder such a thing as "Was I faking it?" Yes indeed! I wondered that, too. I asked myself "Am I some kind of amazing actress that can put on such an extreme behavioral front in order to...????? Escape something? Experience some really extreme experience? Goodness, I don't know!

I suppose it could be possible for some people to go to extraordinarily great lengths to put on a conscious, or even unconscious, act out of some desperation. But really, it's doubtful. Or even if it was an Oscar winning performance, doing such a thing, in my opinion, is still a dysfunctional act of sorts that needs psychiatric or therapeutic intervention.

When I was first formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I actually didn't see all of the symptoms in me. But they were definitely there. Very loud and clear! Some people struggle with insight (or it comes and goes). Others not as much. You have no idea how many bipolar forum poster have said that when they received their diagnosis they were "relieved" because it explained their behavior to them. That was not me. I rejected it vehemently at first. Then I accepted it. Then I questioned it a year down the line. Then accepted it. Then questioned. Then accepted it for good.

Now I am actually able to look back at some of my behavior from decades ago, before my diagnosis, and say "Whoa! I was manic back then!" And yet, at the time, I thought I was marvelously fine. Even normal. Well...maybe not "normal". Just "extraordinary". But definitely not in an episode of a mental illness.

As far as family histories goes, I can not say one way or another if your family members did or didn't have bipolar disorder. Perhaps your therapist or psychiatrist could speculate on that, but even they can only speculate unless they met with and interviewed them face to face. I will reiterate what I said above. In my family, bipolar type behavior almost seemed normalized, to a degree. My paternal grandmother never received (to my knowledge) a formal diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but she had periods of severe depression, periods of not sleeping, periods of extreme behavior, times when she said she saw and heard rather crazy/unlikely things, thinking she had ESP, and acting on extreme emotions triggered by these mood issues. My grandpa took her to a psychiatrist, but she wouldn't enter that doctor's office door. She had long periods of seeming perfectly normal afterwards. My dad's had the same situations, especially in terms of extreme behavior. My sister received a bipolar diagnosis after me and after her youngest son. One of my first cousins had a bipolar diagnosis.

I abused alcohol for extended periods. My dad abuses alcohol. My first cousin was/is a drug addict. Abuse of alcohol or other drugs is common in bipolar disorder, especially when you're not properly treated. It can be a red flag, but not a sure sign. Many people with addictions also go through periods when they think they can drink/drug again without it getting out of hand. It often takes a severe event to finally convince them otherwise. For some, that time never comes.