I'm sorry you've had these disturbing experiences. (By the way, I recall replying to your first post here on PC.) It was many years ago now but I still recall being bullied, both verbally & physically, throughout high school. So I have some sense of what you have experienced.

I think the obvious answer here may be to talk with someone, perhaps a counselor or therapist, about what you have experienced & what it has done to you. Especially if you're having thoughts of ending your life, it's important to reach out for help. (I see you list yourself as being in Vietnam. I don't know what kinds of mental health services would be available to you there.)

I could provide you with links to a bunch of articles, from Psych Central's archives, on a variety of topics related to your situation. But I don't know how helpful that would be really. In the end, I think what is most important is to find someone you can confide in. That was one thing I never had. I just kept it all to myself, shut out the pain, & plugged along as best I could. And I suspect that is one reason it all still haunts me to this day... so many decades later.

Although I wrote that I didn't think giving you links to articles might be helpful, here are links to just 3 articles, from PC's archives, that talk about how to sit with & stop numbing painful emotions . Perhaps they can be of some help:

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

Several Ways to Sit with Your Feelings

8 Steps to Stop Numbing Your Emotions

Please take care...