For the most part, I've been doing pretty well. I'm definitely not depressed and haven't been for quite a while. I don't think I'm growing hypomanic, but it's possible I'm experiencing some little...What should I call it?...Short hints of something or other maybe kinda sorta in that direction? I don't know. I'll be doing great and then I'll have some anxiety out of nowhere for no real good reason. Maybe it was slightly triggered, but shouldn't be anything hard to brush off my shoulder like dandruff. And yet, I need an Ativan. I think I've needed a prn Ativan almost every day this past week. But only for anxiety or agitation that lasts an hour or so.

My mood has been good. I've been fairly productive and forward looking. I've been impressed with some of what I've achieved these past four weeks. I've been excited a lot. Or when not, I'm calm and feel like is just A-OK.

But this afternoon, I sort of saw a bit of the old me. Tasmanian devil attack out of nowhere alternating with an angel or Zippity Doo Dah, then calm again. I went to the grocery store, reluctantly, and there I started getting more and more pissed off that my husband doesn't like my stir fries. I LOVE my stir fries. He said he wants us to lose weight, and frankly, stir fries are a great way to achieve that. What is wrong with my stir fries? I'm the one with highly discerning taste. How could he like American Chinese stir fries more than mine? I friggin lived in Taiwan and traveled throughout Asia in my youth. I even know what real Chinese food from various regions taste like. I'm not exactly feeding him chou dou fu or anything. Actually, he may like that. I just mention that because I don't like chou dou fu.

So I'm in the grocery store getting angrier and angrier. I'm done my shopping and then decide I'm going to buy some broccoli. He hates broccoli. In fact, he hates a number of vegetables. I love vegetables. Vegetables are good foods to like when you want to diet. I won't list all of the vegetables he dislikes, but they include some of the main ones, especially available in the winter.

I thought chicken would be a good choice for tonight, so I looked in that section. Oddly, the stir fry cut chicken was the best deal. I stared at it a long time thinking that maybe I could make something for him more like a sauteed dish. But then the stir fry idea came back again and again and I'm cussing the sucker out for not liking my stir fries.

When I got home I was ramming around unpacking the groceries. The dude hasn't done anything wrong at all today. But I'm still thinking about the dang stir fry idea.

So there have been a few nights this week that I have gotten a little less sleep. Maybe 5 hours instead of my usual 8 or 9. It's not that I forgot to take my evening meds or took them too late. I took them at the usual 7 pm. But at 12 midnight I was tired. I only got to sleep at 2 am again. I had to get up early to go to an 8 am dental appointment. That pissed me off because it cost $400. I just spent over $3,000 on two root canals. Today I almost wanted to say something to the dentist about how he could have spared me the root canals if he had done a better job trouble-shooting my tooth problems back in June. But I did hold my tongue, so I do have some amount of control.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I'm not sure what to say to him. I don't want him to think I need more Seroquel XR again. My appetite has been smaller since I reduced it (on my own) a few weeks back. He wasn't angry at me, but did give me a little speech about how he would have liked if I had called him to tell him, and give him a chance to call me with any objections.

Isn't it an odd place to be in when you feel pretty well, have some good things in the works, but then also have some issues that seem like little yellow flags. I don't want him to focus solely on the yellow flags, but should I hide them? I'm tempted, but I know myself that when I'm face to face with him I'll blurt it all out like a dam suddenly giving way. Then he'll get that look on his face. The same look my husband sometimes gets on his face, which is often accompanied by "Uh oh!"

But maybe it's not "Uh oh!" After so many years of finally have a bit more insight into my illness I don't want to jump to conclusions, especially ones that strap me in too tightly...yet at the same time, I'm sick of being so cautious.

I WANT TO FLY! I'm sick and tired of waiting in the nest like a chick and never making that jump. No one around me is exactly pushing me out of the nest.