Yes, I was terminated by my last T 2.5 years ago. She said that she "did not have the emotional resources" to continue. She said that when we started, 6 years earlier, and gave me the diagnoses consistent with the difficulties I was having having, that she thought she would be able to but some things had come up or happened and that she was not able to work with me any longer. She gave me a referral. I asked for a partial refund of the last year of my out-of-pocket fees. She refused. I asked for a few free (termination) sessions. She agreed. She has responded to a some emails I have sent, mostly articles about the kinds of things I had been having difficulty with and possible solutions, but remains unable, she says, because of her own difficulties, to re-engage with me.

I have experienced this as a rejection -- which, I believe, it is. Her limitations, maybe, but ultimately, in her world, even a professional world, she has not place for me. I am not wanted. That's the reality, that's a rejection.

The rejection triggered feelings that I did not know I had, that I had long buried the capacity for. 6 months after the termination I "recalled" similar feelings connected with some situations and/or people in my childhood. It put me in bed with depression for 3 days and was a very difficult month. I felt unacceptable to everybody in the whole world and still do to a certain extent, although I continue to "put myself out there", including here, and have received some contrary evidence -- that is, not been rejected.

I did not go to the therapist I was referred to. I do not trust anybody in the profession at this point. I was in therapy on and off for more that 50 years. The last therapist was a specialist in trauma and dissociation and may well have diagnosed some core issues that other therapists missed. Or perhaps they were issues that developed or got exacerbated by all the tries at therapy. Nevertheless. . .for me, "therapy" had become, or always was, poison and even as bad off as I was. . .

I was very fortunate and have a very good support group that I had been going to for about 2 years before the termination and that has continued to be a good place for support and what I might call social learning, which is what I need at this point more than more "therapy". I have vented a lot here on PC and that has helped me process things.

Now, 2.5 years later, I can write about it in what (maybe?) seems civil and rational. But being rejected and feeling unacceptablet to the whole world is a really, really awful, unbearable situation. I also expect that experiencing that feeling and tolerating it without dissociating was something that I needed all along. But I certainly expected, and still do, something better than reenactment and abandonment as a "cure" for my kind of difficulties. But I had never found it in all those years, so . . .

I still wish most days that I was not here, but I have no plans to take action. My grown kids seem to like me OK these days, and one of them wants me to move out where he and his wife and 2 young kids are. They have no other family around and think I do OK as a grandma when I am with their kids! As long as my health holds out, I might be able, therefore, to make a contribution to the lives of some people I love, so. . .I'm working on trying to clear out my house, letting go of the past. . .painful, painful, painful. But it's possible that there may be some better days ahead. Maybe not, but maybe.

I still think more than 50 years on an off in therapy was far too long, far too expensive, far too iffy. . .