ummm no, sorry not going to happen. That's impossible.

I will tell you guys a story:

January 2007 I cut myself for the first time after some crappy stuff happened to me. My step dad did some things that a step dad shouldn’t do to his step daughter. I never told anyone in my real life. I just turned to cutting. I didn’t really know what I was doing but a lot of people in my school talked to me about how they did it and how it just zapped the stress away. I was like oh maybe it will work for me. So I did it and when I told my one friend she said that was cool and showed me her scars. I knew it wasn’t cool but I couldn’t help it. I stopped being friends with her though after she told me drinking and weed was cool too. Anyway, I went to a church retreat and I have this friend who went to another school who was there too. She was a year older then me and one of the helpers at the retreat. The job of the helpers was to give "talks" about what they have gone through and how God helped them through it. All of them had insane stories. But my friend, Katrina's, fell way to close to my own. I started crying and couldn’t stop so my friend Megan just hugged me. I told her I just felt bad for Katrina. We were outside by the fire that night and Megan, Katrina, and I were just talking and I told them how I cut and Katrina hugged me and promised she would never tell anyone because she never told her parents.

We had to go inside to get ready for our next activity so I was in my dorm changing and Katrina never came up. I was like this is weird because I knew she needed to change too. So I go down to the kitchen and my youth minister asks me if she can talk to me. I am so scared at this point because obviously I know what it’s going to be about. We go and sit down in the church and she starts saying how Katrina told her what I had told her and I feel so bad to say this but I started lying in church. I told her she is wrong she’s lying but when I finally got stuck in my own lie I told her my mom knew about it. She told me she knew I was lying and I had a week to tell my mom and then she was calling her on Sunday. I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t believe Katrina did this to me. My youth minister told me that if I ever just needed someone to call to yell at or scream at I could call her, or I could call her to just talk. She told me she would call and check on me after also. She never did. She was a liar. I never talked to her again after that night.

Katrina never came to our dorm that night. I spent the night sobbing into my pillow in a dark room alone, just how I felt inside. She slept in my friend Megan’s dorm. I felt so betrayed and that added to why I can never trust anyone. I felt like no one cared about me. I began turning away from God at this point. This was his entire fault.

Anyway I went home on Monday after not enjoying the rest of my weekend and I didn’t know what to do. On wed. I went to my guidance counselor and told her about my whole weekend asking her for advice on how to tell my mom. I figured you are supposed to be able to trust them but you know what she did. She told me she wouldn’t let me leave her office until my mom knew about it all. She made me call my mom while she sat there. My mom told me "We needed to talk when I got home." I hated my guidance councilor. Just one other person who betrayed my trust. She never called me down the rest of the year, ever. Not ever once asked how it went when I got home.

If she had asked I would have lied anyway, but it would have been nice to know that some one cared. I never feel like anyone cares. When I got home that day after staying late at school I took a 2 hour shower avoiding my mom until she finally told me I needed to “get out now and talk to her”. She yelled and yelled and yelled at me. Told me that I was stupid and crazy, asked what had gotten in to me. She told me that you could have me locked up with “others like me” and that I embarrassed her so much because now my school and church knew and it made her look bad. Then she told me I had to call and tell my dad who lives in another state. I refused and she said she was too ashamed of me to be the one to tell him. She asked me where I did it and I just said my arm and showed her the one I had never done. I lied and told her I tried it 3 times because I was stressed about school and I didn’t like it so I would never do it again I just felt bad about doing it. She believed me. She never once hugged me, never once told me things would be okay, never once asked me why.

My mom used that piece of information against me a lot and still does today. Each time she does it is like a stab in the heart. Once when we were in the car on the way to my chorus concert we got into a fight about the move. I didn’t want to move to a new house and school for my junior year. She was like why not? And I told her it wasn’t fair and she blew up at me. My step dad told her to let it go and she said “why? So she can go home and cut herself?” My 10 year old sister was sitting right there. I couldn’t believe her. Another time we were at a restaurant and my little sister asked my mom what emo meant. She said “doesn’t it mean when you slice your wrists?” my mom turned to me and said “I don’t know honey why don’t you ask your sister?” I have a lot of little stories like that, they all hurt the same.

I went to a Christian camp this summer. I don’t know why except that my best friend was going so I went to be with her. It was really hard to even be allowed to go. My mom told me she couldn’t trust me and that I might cut myself while I was there. I started crying and when my older sister asked why my mom told her i wanted to go to camp and she didn’t think it was a good idea. My sister said “yeah she might cut while she’s there”. I couldn’t believe it. That meant my mom told my sister about that. It was none of her business. In the end I got to go though. I started working on my relationship with God while I was their worship was so beautiful and this camp has become my favorite place in the world. But it was not a totally positive experience. I almost got kicked out of the camp along with my best friend because the counselor started making up stories about us and told the director we were acting out and refused to go along with the group. This was so terrible, I never cried so much in my life. When our moms came to get us they told us that they didn’t believe us because he was the adult and he wouldn’t lie, we would. We weren’t lying. He told us how she was schizophrenic and had nine different personalities. He told us he burned himself with cigarettes and liked to beat trees with sticks until his hands went numb. He took us in the woods at 11 at night and scares us so much. No one believed us. My mom just yelled and yelled and said that I embarrassed her again.

So here I am a year later stuck in the same place. I know I can’t trust anyone because I am always betrayed in the end. I realize I am a failure at life and things will never get easier for me. So EJ, telling my mom is the last thing that will happen.

Sorry, I just like poured my heart out because I have so much on my mind. So now you guys have a little bit of insight into my life.. If anyone even bothered to read all the way to the end. I know it was lame..