I wrote this on reddit;

I feel like I always have to justify myself to everyone. I say things that people take out of context. When someone looks down on me, they are right. I am wrong. Like I am a bad person. I need constant reassurance. I don't believe in myself like I have no worth. I contemplated calling the suicide hotline because all I have is my mom and there's a chance that she's going to die soon because of her severe heart condition. She's the only reason why I won't end it. I have my dad but he doesn't live with me and my brother and sister are doing their own thing. Living their own life. I hate my life. I spent the last hour crying. I was doing so well mentally with my schizophrenia but now it just feels fake like love is fake like the world is a dark place and I feel like my soul is empty and I don't see anything beautiful because of my own ego and existence bringing me down. I want to be someone else. I want to go to sleep and not wake up but then the pain would just go to my family. I don't know what to say to my therapist. Outward it looks like I'm keeping it together so everyone always praises me on how well I'm doing but it doesn't feel real. I have no reassurance that I'm not losing my mind with depression and that these feelings are real. It's like "Everyone feels this way in life" then how do they do it? How do they get up in the morning, have relationships, work a ****** job. I don't get it. I want to find spirituality but I feel like **** and my brain isn't working right or something. I'm never happy with what I have because I'm an idealist and my reality doesn't match my dreams. My step dad abused me and he won the lottery and got away with it. I'm in so much pain.