I told him I was glad I came on Monday because it gave me greater clarity about what needs resolving. He asked me my sense of what that is. I said that what had affected me over the weekend was picking up on his anxiety about me saying I have internalised his liking me.
I said that he had said he didn't want to repeat T1's mistakes, but suddenly withdrawing was precisely what he did. So in trying not to repeat those mistakes he's doing exactly that.
I told him one of the things I value most about working with him is his willingness to take risks, it shows trust for me, and it feels like he rescinded that trust.

T said he reflected on it a lot, and he thinks, while the fuelling transference anxiety is generally around, that's not what caused this anxiety and he wondered if it was more that he wondered how we could shift my locus of evaluation so it's not reliant on his feelings. I was like "uh, that's already happened. That's what I mean when I say I have internalised it. If I stopped seeing you tomorrow I would still like myself and trust myself" he said "that's not how I heard it. Sounds like I misinterpreted it" I said " Sounds like you missed it altogether". He said in that case he's not sure what the anxiety was about. I said well if you misunderstood it was probsbly that. He said, he doesn't trust that, and that he feels like there's more there he will reflect on.

I said I felt disarmed. Like, I can't be angry with him now he doesn't know what the anxiety was about. I could be angry with him for the fuelling transference thing, but not this. He said "do you have to be right to be angry?" I said "I dont think I have to be right, but you certainly have to be wrong!" And we both laughed. He said he is wrong, he doesn't know and that's pretty useless. We laughed a bit more and he said "what's happening now, why have we shifted to laughter?"
I said "Do you feel something is disconnected that needs reconnecting?" He said he doesn't feel disconnected from me but feels he is "out of sorts" in relation to me. I said I feel like that towards him too. I said when we hugged on Monday it didn't feel like either of us were there. We were just going through the motions.
We sat and pondered what was happening for a while and T looked like he was thinking intently. I realised I wasn't thinking at all and I wanted to let him do all the work. I told him this. I said it's like being at a train station, if we miss our train my kids just stand there assuming I'm going to sort it all out. I felt like that. I just wanted to sit there waiting for him to plan a new route and sort all the tickets out. He linked that to what I had been saying about autonomy on Monday and We had a good discussion about power, giving it up and wanting it completely and moving between the extremes. I tried to articulate something in a way that didn't sound like a particular thing. I was struggling. He said "pause a second. I believe you that it's not like that. You don't have to find the exact words to prove it". We talked a bit about how I like to use precise language and "show my working".
He went on a train of thought and I said "What?" He said he had ended up thinking "I wonder if she is aware of [something therapy related - he didn't tell me, he said "dot dot dot]" then he realised it's my supervisor's job. He said he felt protective.

I said sometimes I wish he didn't know I was a therapist because sometimes he tslks to me like a colleague and I am often hurt because I'm not in therapist mode. I personalise whatever he says. I said at the same time I desire those conversations too, but I know they hurt me because I hear them as a client. He said that makes sense.
I told him about feeling the same way when someone on here (PC) started quizzing me on my practice. It felt jarring because I am in client mode here.
I asked him if he thinks he will work the anxiety out. He said he hoped so and he will keep pondering.
Time was pretty much up. We hugged (a nice hug) and as I was leaving he said he now has an emergency umbrella in case I ever arrive in sunshine and leave in rain. I said thanks I'll bear it in mind. And I left.