If I have to get back on this rollercoaster I ****ing QUIT. I’ve been depressed for ten days now with each day worse than the last. Those of you who know me know how fast I deteriorate. Monday I called out of work. Today I had a panic attack in the parking lot because I couldn’t face going inside. I eventually did and did manage to make it through the day so that is a plus. But I have two more days to make it through.

So my only hope was seeing this new pdoc today. I wanted him to raise my lamictal because it’s the only drug that’s helped for depression besides emsam. Well he won’t because depakote and lamictal interact with each other. I knew that but i figures because my other pdoc didn’t seem concerned it was that big of a deal. This new pdoc doesn’t agree. He raised my haldol again back up to ten mg. And he DID prescribe emsam for me. But here’s the issue. I have to be off the trazodone for fourteen days before starting it because of the risk of serotonin syndrome.

So what the **** right. Emsam might help but I can’t try it for two weeks. In the meantime I will not be getting enough sleep which will cause me to decompensate even faster. And in two weeks, even with trazodone and sleeping ok, I could be in absolute and total hell. If I follow my usual pattern I will be. I can’t get in to my old pdoc until Jan 22. I don’t know if she will raise the lamictal like I want. Wtf do I do.

I’m terrified of falling into this trap. My life is actually GOOD right now and this could ruin it.

All my options are bad. Basically I have to wait two weeks for anything. I’ve got to keep myself together for two weeks. I’m so scared. So, so scared.