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Originally Posted by Jessie79
I have created a new username because I'm so ashamed. Does anyone ever exaggerate their trauma or things that they have been through? I have done it big time. As a child, I truly was abused and neglected, just not to the extent I say that I was. For example, I was molested for around a year at 13. That part is true. Since I became an adult, I say the molestation started much younger and lasted more years than it did. I also say it was a physically forceful and traumatic rape when it wasn't. I have exaggerated several details about it. It was more of a sexual relationship. Yes I know it was statutory rape but it certainly wasn't violent, forceful or unwanted like I say it was. Our relationship was found out and he went to jail for a bit. I did tell the complete truth to police - no exaggeration. (Side note, I don't even live in the same country where it happened anymore so his name is not being tarnished by what I am saying now) Lying about how young it started is because I'm so ashamed at how old I was when it happened. Like it somehow makes me more innocent and less like a willing partner in it. I also exaggerate in the hopes of getting love. Like it's the only way I can get somebody to care about me. I also get why I do it, everything I went through as a child was minimized or ignored. I absolutely hate that I have done this and plan to not do it again. My husband died 3 years ago and I feel like he is in heaven hating me for lying to him. I have been seeing a T for 2 years at my University and don't plan on telling her I have done this. I think I will see a new T and talk about my exaggerations. Or I guess I should call them outright lies. So I will get help for it. But I'm really struggling with feeling like a horrid, no good person. Do I need to confess to everyone I have lied/exaggerated too? Have any of you ever done this?
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Oh, Dear One. Please stop beating yourself up. The abuse is over. It was not your fault. You are not required to pick up where your abusers left off.
Maybe you are exaggerating. Or, perhaps you are not. When we’re abused as children, we don’t have the emotional or intellectual resources to even begin to make sense of what is happening. We become overwhelmed, and our unconscious protects us as best int can in a few possible ways, one of which is repressing the memories.
Eventually, all of that crap will find its way out. That can happen in many different ways, none of them healthy.
You were abused as a young child. It’s entirely possible that your buried memories are jumbled and not in any kind of sequence.
The molestation at 13 may well have been a powerful trigger for you, scraping open some old wounds.
Your concern regarding protecting the reputation of your molester is wildly misplaced. If he is truly concerned about his image, the wiser course would be to avoid sexually abusing CHILDREN. You owe him NOTHING.
The shame you’re accepting for events over which you had no control or were cruelly manipulated is very concerning. Where is that coming from? And, of what use is it? What purpose is it serving? Is it helpful to anyone?
What would happen if you took a Shame Break; like a time out? You could start with maybe five minutes each day to dismiss the shame. If you meditate, that will help you enormously. If you don’t, this is a great time to start. YouTube has a nearly unlimited variety of videos on learning to meditate, guided meditation, and meditation music.
Remember Glenda, the Good Witch, from the *Wizard of Oz*? What did she say to the Wicked Witch of the West? “You have no power here”.
That’s how you deal with pointless shame and guilt.
Another thing that can happen is that we can have conscious memory of a traumatic event, without recognizing just how traumatic it was. Most of us actually underestimate. It can be quite the jolt to discover that something hurt you far more deeply than you ever knew.
It’s very easy and natural for traumatic memories from childhood to be mixed up. Maybe you’re exaggerating, maybe you aren’t. Is it possible that you experienced the *feelings* that would attach to your supposedly exaggerated history? Sometimes, we feel the need to find something to peg those feelings onto.
In your view, you see yourself as lying to get love. That signals really awful self esteem. It also suggests that you believe that the more damaged you can convince people you are, they more likely they are to love you. Does that really sound like the formula for happy, healthy relationships? What kind of people do you think are drawn in by damage?
You’ve got some work to do, my dear. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. The loss of your husband must have been devastating.
If you’re not feeling it with your current therapist, by all means, change. You may want to look for someone with expertise in trauma recovery and PTSD, which you are, no doubt, struggling with.
Are you familiar with ketamine infusion treatment? It’s showing amazing effectiveness with depression and even more so with PTSD. The results happen in a matter of hours, not weeks. It is pricey right now, though. It’s been a godsend to many. It’s especially powerful if you can have a therapist sit with you during the infusion.
As for confessing, your call. Do you feel that you need to do this to facilitate your healing? Or is it a way to prostrate yourself before others, seeking yet more punishment?
I wish you all the best and much healing.