I've never posted in session today, I tend to have always kept it private and also kind of felt the need to keep my T private aswell.. I also had slight paranoia that my T would stumble across it but if that's the case, I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do.

However I just think I need to write, get I'm trying to cope and keep my mind busy before I really do loss it. I've never felt so hopeless about live and I'm basically just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

So we had our last session Tuesday. We discussed trying to keep it light, have a chat and just end on a positive goodbye. We been through a lot over the 2 years working together, I feel we had a good bond and connection and I wanted it to end with gratitude, and nicely.

This didn't really happen. I woke the morning of session, full of panic, cried allday whilst waiting and by the time I got to the session i was a mess. She kept to her side and was there with a smile and a coffee ready for a chat and catch up.
At that point when I sat down I knew it wasn't gonna end well, like there was no way I could keep composure and hold down the panic... maybe I last 2/3 minutes of general pleasantries.
I then started to shake which lasted the whole session, we tried to breath but I was uncontrollable in that moment. Basically I spent the session, asking and trying to find a way to keep going, even if it meant once a month just something. She remained firm and said she didn't think that would be in mybedt interests and that she believed I needed a clean break and to find another T to work through the pain this goodbye is causing. So basically we went back and forth with that mostly, I then got it in my head that I couldn't leave the room and that I couldn't just let her go, so we spent the remainder trying to convince me that I could. To walk away I thought was the hardest thing, but actually it's getting worse every minute.
She was originally going to schedule a phone call or two, to ease me into it as she knows my fear of goodbyes abd abandment but towards the end said that she will not do that as she things it will put me in further turmoil over this.
I think that's what I'm also struggling with, yes maybe she is right, but for me in this moment I still need something to cling to, and now I feel I have nothing and I dunno what to do with that.
The end itself was left on a hug, I felt myself wanting to cling and could feel my grip about to go tight but thankfully I kept some control, it was a brief hug but honestly I didn't want her to let go.
We went over for a few minutes because I needed coaxing out the room, there was someone in the corridor which I think was a blessing because i knew I couldn't say or do anything with others watching... I heard her tell me to take care but I couldn't look or speak to her that one last time so I think I just kept walking.
I do have regrets on this session, to have such a good relationship with someone who helped you through the worst moments In you life needed I think a nicer ending, but I was too upset to do that.
In fact I think it was always gonna end that way!

Now though, I'm lost... scared... alone and without that person I turn to in my hour of need! The person that kept me going!