I felt as though I was speaking a foreign language for most of today’s session. R reassured me that she appreciated reading the article. I told her that the Critic had been loud over the last few weeks. She asked what I meant by that, and I explained the difficulty I have been experiencing in terms of not being able to articulate my feelings.
‘I don’t want to be controlled by the Critic.’
R asked what not being controlled by the Critic would look like. I talked about being able to speak freely and clearly: ‘There has to be a line between where we ended up in November and hiding’, and then said ‘I wrote something over the break…’
‘I don’t know why it’s relevant, but this was written on the 17th of December. I want to try and share it with you.’
‘Do you want to read it?’
‘That is what I meant by “Try and share”’
I did pretty well and flaked at the beginning of the second paragraph. I passed her the piece of paper and she remarked that the last line was particularly clear in me articulating what I need.
‘Once a writer, always a writer.’
‘Does that mean that you have employed techniques in structuring a persuasive piece of writing, or does this reflect how you really feel?’
‘It reflects how I really feel.’
I remarked that I have been struggling with anger lately at inappropriate times. R gently pointed out that I had described a whole process based on how I felt my anger would be perceived. She asked me how I would feel if my music tutor said ‘Sorry, I have just thought of something that made me feel really angry. Can we stop for a second?’
‘That would be fine.’
We talked a bit about how I might word a request for some space to process something, and R asked how I was feeling at that moment, because recognising how you feel is integral to being fully present. She referenced an event last Easter which showed some of my ‘inner turmoil.’
I mentioned that I was feeling over an upcoming significant date. ‘I can use the word significant if I want to.’ R asked whether I was feeling anticipation or dread. I responded with the latter. Then a conversation with the Critic ensued, regarding whether there is any particular difference if I relive January 2011 every night. I swallowed a lot of my fear, though, and I couldn't really get at what I wanted to say.
‘Regardless of whether it happened as I was led to believe or not, something still happened.’
R acknowledged that as the first time I have said something that sounded like me accepting my feelings. ‘And then there’s what you said earlier, about realising that you are so in tune with others’ needs that you hurt yourself in the process.’
We talked about the differences between the two experiences and how I feel as though something broken when I discovered it wasn’t true.
R highlighted that there seemed to be a clarity about me this time, having had three weeks’ thinking time.