(( EJ )))

I had been doing fairly well, then I learned her mom passed away. We had often talked about her mom in our writing. She took care of her mom in her home with 24/7 caregivers and lots of wonderful personal attention. Her mom was in her 90's and still socially actuve and mentally sharp. I loved that she was so close and so devoted to her and took such wonderful care of her.

So, Saturday I posted a short note to her to express my condolences and she replied with a short reply of thanks. I should have left it at that, but I posted again, saying more and offering to be there for her as she had been for me, and telling her as I had in the past how I admired her for the wonderful care she provided for her mom. She replied again with a thank you.

While on the site I read a post by her to someone wondering where she had been. She hadn't been posting since she and i stopped writing, just a coincidence I think. So in that post she said she isn't on the site anymore; that although she's been there for years she now has other things to focus on in her life.

When we said our good-bye's, I asked that even though she didn't want to write could I still pop in and say hello from time to time. She said "Of course, xxxx.". So now I read that she is no longer there participating in a supportive way as she has. I think she will eventually just not be there at all so now I have totally lost her.

Having contact with her again has made me want to not let go again. It is hard to explain how this person affected me. She has a MA in psychology but has her own business in another field. She "found" me there. She encouraged me to talk with her and helped me put words to my thoughts and feelings. She encouraged me to seek therapy and helped me understand that my misperceptions could be helped by psychotherapy. She was like a cross between a T, a warm and loving mom (very unlike my own), and a good friend. Sometimes she would just post to say she was tired and heading to bed. We wrote nearly daily for over 2 and a half years.

I don't know how to live without her in my life.

sunny, my T and I have been talking about this since I began with her a year ago. We've talked about why I feel so close her and that it is an obsession, something very embarrassing to me but it is true. I often used to become very distraut imagining that this person was 'leaving me'. I tell T what a hard time I'm having with losing this person. We have been talking about idealizing people which I do and how I fall apart when the idealized person 'meets' the real person in my mind. There is a lot to talk about there and I know in time it will help. But right now I feel like I have a fire that isn't being attended to, and I don't know what to do.

I write this on Monday morning when I should be at work but I couldn't make myself go in. I have PTO time to take but they don't like unscheduled time off. We are very caught up and my being out won't hurt the work iteslf, but I worry about calling off sick... again. This isn't me. Dependability is a strength for me, or used to be.. I never missed work. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.