I felt off all day. The way I described it to my tdoc was that I felt out of touch with reality and high on drugs. I wouldn’t say euphoric but out of my mind nonetheless. We were both concerned about this as I have been stable for right around 2 years. Anyway, she sent me home and told me she’d check in with me tomorrow morning. On the drive home, this wave of terror, debilitating terror, rushed over me. I almost had a very intense panic attack while driving on the expressway. When I got home, my husband sent me and my son to my mom’s because he had to take the girls to gymnastics and didn’t want me home alone. I ate rice for dinner and paced a hole in the floor while eating. I was frantic so my mom insisted I page the on call doctor. He told me to take my meds right then (around 7), go ahead and take a full klonapin and if I’m not tired by 11 to take 200 MG of Seroquel and another klonapin. Well, the crippling anxiety has subsided but my thoughts are racing and I’m feeling quite high. My husband and I decided we noticed some symptoms over the last couple of weeks that we had overlooked. I really, really, really want to go on a never ending joy ride right now. I can feel that laughter, that deep belly laughter that takes your breath away and makes you think it will never end. And if I let it out, my house will think I’m losing it and no one will be able to trust my judgement. As for the joy ride, my husband would have a conniption fit if I snuck out with the keys then I’d really be on lock and key. To make matters worse, I HAVE to work tomorrow!!! My other assistant is out and I can’t leave my teacher by herself. Plus, she has an IEP meeting anyway so whoever they got to cover her during her meeting would be in way over their heads without me there. My mom has offered to come over and help get the kids ready and drive me to work in case I do end up having to take more seroquel and klonapin and either that, or mania prevents me safely driving myself.

I’m just scared y’all! I really, really, really don’t want a repeat of my last mania!