I am really worried about my upcoming appointment with the Psych PA and I just can't stop thinking about it. I haven't had good experiences with psych NP's in the past; in fact my therapist seems to reason that my PTSD might not be completely former employee based he seems to reason that some of the PTSD might be due to the past NP's who caused more depression and who meds she put me on caused me physical harm. I'm terrified that even though this guy comes highly regarded he is somehow going to do the same stupid thing both those NP's did. I know it's probably stupid for me to be worrying about something that is still practically a week away but I keep freaking out over it; best of all I only have two weeks of my Seroquel and Buspar so if he changes anything I'm up a creek since my doctor is in limbo and it would just be awkward as all heck seeing someone else for my mental issues, I know I could always see one of the other PA's or a doctor I work with; but then I feel like everyone would know that it really isn't exactly depression I have; granted that's the biggest part of Bipolar; I deal with; I couldn't even tell you the last time I was Hypo; but I can tell you in great detail my last depressive episode.

I just keep thinking I had trust of the NP who put me on Zyprexa and all the weight gained it caused; granted I have gotten rid of some it; I still hold a grudge for her putting me on it; my doctor even said that is not usually first line treatment; not to mention she asked if I was moody; everyone is moody; by her standards the entire world should be on some kind of psych medication, not to mention with her being psych she should have known to not just cold turkey me off Effexor my doctor when I went back to him said that could have really hurt me and that it was extremely reckless of her.

Then he finally gave me a referral to see a pdoc problem was none took my insurance so I saw another Psych NP at another practice and that visit was bad from start to finish and she gave me Latuda and basically her nurse laughed in my face when I called to report the muscle spasms saying that it wasn't a valid side effect and to continue the medication and basically called me a drug addict since I couldn't pee that day and that I had to be hiding something. I also couldn't sleep on that medication and had to wait a week for my doctor to come back from his vacation to fix my sleep issue and the spasms.

I guess the TL:dr point is how to I trust a Psych PA when every fiber of my body is screaming at me this is a bad idea; even though everyone I've talked to says he is honestly the best and the guy I am dating shadowed him. I just want to cancel the appointment when I know that is a bad idea. I guess the point of my rambling is how do I get over this feeling of hatred of psych providers and at least try and give this guy an actual chance.