We are still talking a lot. She did take a break due to issues with her child's father and it stressed her out and she was extremely cold towards me for about 2 weeks. We talked now and again but she came back to normalish chats quicker than I expected. I would be lying if I said it didn't send me into a tailspin, my depression got really bad and still is. But depression usually gets worse for no reason so it is actually kind of nice to point to a reason, as invalid as it may be. It is strange, I felt worse when she pulled back temporarily, and said so when she told me to give her some time, then I did when my wife threw me in the trash. That can't be a healthy reaction.

We are back chatting, but haven't video chatted much which I miss a lot but it is nearing the end of a very long official holiday, so was busy. She really wants to see me this summer and offered to fly herself to Siberia since the consulate there has a much shorter waiting list for visa interviews.

We also decided that we were talking way too much and too intensely, which is very true. It is hard to pull back but we have a lot of fun and still probably chat off and on 6-7 hours a day and less often in those hours.

Still, it is different in a way. Almost everything is the same but there is a warmth missing some of the time. Hope it is the stress of the holidays which end this weekend there. My holidays were stressful independent of her as well.

Her mood swings happen more often and the lows are much more dramatic. This is very challenging and requires a ton of patience but on the plus side, she is really impressed with how patient I am. Even if I say something that upsets her she thanks me the next day for being patient and claims I did nothing wrong. The stressful part is that I usually end up thinking she is going to block me. My paranoia is not good right now and is difficult to hide it. I think my patience helps erase doubts she might have.


She has been good for me. I regularly take photos and send her videos of the area and me. It is no small thing that I have taken and sent her pictures of me. She said that is just normal stuff but it is not for me. She also got me to post a FB profile picture of me in my account. I have had a FB since 2008 or so and I have never put a picture of me anywhere on that site, or any public site for that matter. She says I am gaining confidence. I am still an ugly monster but she insists otherwise which remains the sole red flag.

I don't want to lose her friendship or whatever else is possible because my MH issues get in the way. Maybe I latched onto her way to quickly, well no maybe's about it. I did. My feelings grow stronger and we are very comfortable with each other. That is another oddity, I don't feel comfortable with anyone no matter how long I have known them.

I am also not sure I really want to be on this earth anymore. I have not discussed it with her and will not but if I do stick around I would like her in my life in whatever form the future brings. So much feels wonderful and makes me feel like a normal person, but I am not normal. She says she likes that I am not a normal man. Part of me wants to enjoy this and another part is just waiting to be tossed aside like garbage.

I have told her about my MH issues and my terrible experiences with women. She wonders how I am still shy and polite with women and not some woman hater. I am not sure if she believes I am still shy and awkward and still wants a meaningful relationship. I know I don't deserve it but I still would like that more than anything in the world.

How can someone like me have a healthy relationship? Regardless if she lives a block away or 11 time zones?