I saw T this morning. He came out and got me, went back and sat down in the chair. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I was exhausted because I only slept 3.5 hours last night. T. asked what I was doing that late at night. We talked about how I was cleaning because of the mice problem and how my little ones were awake forever. He asked when do I normally wake up and when I answered he said that it wasn't much sleep at all...if any. I talked about how last night I told H that I wasn't going to go to my session this morning because I was mad that he can just cancel his therapy sessions without regard. T asked how I felt now that I came, and I told him that I was feeling okay. Started talking about where my head went yesterday.
We discussed how that response makes me feel invalidated by people. He asked if I feel like he does this to me and I said no, because I can talk about the feelings instead of being told to shut up. We got on the subject of H again and the SA, how he tells me that my butt and boobs are his and he doesn't want me to change them. We spent most of the session talking about that. When we had about 10 minutes left we started talking about how there's other things I'd like to talk about but this stuff with H takes over the session. He said He feels this double edged sword with me, that I feel like I don't want to give H the power to be in my therapy session (as in talking about it) vs wanting to discuss what he's done to me. With a few minutes left I stopped talking and T tried to prod me to say what I was thinking. I just told him that it was stupid and we didn't have the time to discuss it. He asked why it was coming out at the end of session instead of the beginning. I said that I'd rather leave and cry then walk in and start crying...because if I cry then I can't talk. Of course by then it was really time to leave and he said we'll end it there and see you Monday. What I wanted to tell him was that I feel like a burden to him and everyone else, and I don't deserve to come see him 3x a week because all I do is complain about H.