I’m so sorry Blue_Bird. I 100% know what you are going through.
My mom died of cancer. Diagnosed January 2nd 2007 and dead September 6th 2007. She suffered tremendously and eventually wasted away.
I know everyone says it and you probably just want to hit people that do but it does eventually get better. You never ever get over it or stop being sad. But in time the memories become more pleasant and you can look back and smile. I still tear up when I talk or think too much about my parents but I’m not strangled by it anymore.
The first couple years were almost unbearable. My heart hurts for you.
it will get easier.