I sent a friend an email late one night a few days ago. In the email, I expressed some frustrations that I was having with my T. I also expressed some (SI) thoughts that I have been having. I feel a little betrayed because she contacted my T and then sent my email to her along with a summary of our conversation. I realize that I may have said some things that may have cause some concern, but I told her those thing in confidence. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Sometimes, I just feel like if I just talk about my feelings, REALLY talk about them, I will be ok. But I'm always afraid of what question will follow. One of my biggest fears is being hospitalized and having my employer find out. I've heard people at work talk about other people who have had issues with mental health. I don't want to be a topic of discussion. I also don't want to ever end up in the hospital and not have control over what they do to me. I've visited someone who was behind locked doors in the hospital with no way out. I've experienced being stripped of all of my meds after going into the hospital for physical reasons only to be chemically restrained because I had a panic attack. My doctor claims that he doesn't make anyone go to the hospital. I'm sure he has his way of convincing people to go "voluntarily."

I've had some difficult conversations lately with my pdoc and T. I really wish she had not sent that email. . .