CheshireCat - Guts, me? Nope, I think you must be thinking about somebody else. I see a fragile person, a very fragile person who is at the breaking point. I'm glad that you will be there for me. I need whatever friends I have left and that's only what I've made because of your crusade to come to my rescue on PB.

alexandra - WOW girl, those words look like my words. I'm glad you're doing better now. I've only done cognitive therapy and I SUCK at it. Replace the distorted negative thought with a more realistic positive thought? Dang, if I knew it to begin with, I wouldn't need therapy. I just can't master it. My thought processes are so majorly screwed up and my self-esteem is non-existant. It's hard to understand why anybody else could like or love me when I loathe myself. So, what is DBT and how does it differ? Hugs sweetie.

Thanks to all of your replies. When I reread my posts I see that I'm extremely repeative in my comments and my typos were phenomenol partly because I don't even care right now even though I am a very good typist, and partly because for some reason my keyboard is acting up. I'm sure I'm missing a lot of 'e's' because the dang key is giving me so much trouble for some reason.

Why is it that when I reside deep into the abyss that I don't even want help? I lie to my T and my pdoc and family and I won't call a crisis line or 911. I'll talk about it online but nowhere else. I don't want to be hospitalized. They all know I won't tell the truth and it scares them but it doesn't scare me. The world or at least my little section of it would be so much better without me in it. Nobody needs to be inflicted with the emotional pain I inevitably dish out and my rages are bad. My son calls me *wild*. Hmmmmmmmm, a wild angel. Do we have a smiley for that? Will that do CheshireCat? A smile, sorry, don't have one of those, not when I'm in the dark abyss. There's a song of Sarah McLachlan's that I really relate to, I only have to change a couple of words here and there. Maybe I'll put it in the Creative section. I'm no good at doing poetry. I'm not a creative person, I wish I was.

Hey CheshireCat - I LOVE your sig. You're quoting one of my all-time favourite singers. I'll have to find something for myself but right now I don't have the energy to do so. Hey, maybe you can help me find something appropriate. Whatcha think? You wanna help me?

Anyway, my thoughts are all jumbled and I'm jumping back and forth, but I want to thank you all for listening to my ramblings. I ramble so good, I do it a lot, I also digress off topic too, and sometimes don't find my way back to what I was originally talking about. My brain is so chaotic.

I remember when I was growing up, I didn't take any drugs because I was afraid I would screw up my brain. hahaha, the joke is on me isn't it? Now, I take so many drugs my brain is probably in a state of constant confusion and God knows what damage I've done to it now. Just think of all the fun I missed out on by not taking drugs when I was younger. I think I regret that decision now. Maybe they might've actually fixed my brain. We'll never know. But even though I didn't do street drugs, I didn't escape addiction, yep I was addicted to Percodan. It was a result of a very emotional and physical time in my life, I couldn't deal with it so I discovered an easy way to get all the Percodan I wanted legally but it may have covered up the emotional pain for awhile but my parents were sure I was addicted and forced me to go to the dr with them and I had to go off cold turkey. PURE HELL!!! It's the first time I've been through withdrawal, been through it a few times since and I'm sure I'll deal with it again with all these xxxxxxx pills that I take. Dang, I wanted to swear so bad but I don't want to get into trouble. And now I've just realized that I've been rambling again. So, I'll stop here before y'all think I'm sicker than I actually am, hahaha, maybe y'all would be right, maybe I'm the delusional one in all this mess that is supposed to be called a life. If this is life, then I don't want any part of it. I call this HELL on earth. Yep, that's a good description for it. Anyway, I said I was going to stop and I didn't, I kept on rambling so . . . beam me up Scotty!!! I'll bet when I click on submit this is gonna be way long. Next time I'll bring the

Angel Girl