[QUOTE=OmegaKindness;6404315]

Hi OmegaKindness. Interesting post. I'm a bit confused. You say you both understand that attraction to other people is natural (it is indeed, when a person commits to a partner they can't suddenly develop an off-switch for attraction to other good looking or interesting people) and yet you're both fighting about it.

One thing that jumps out at me is that there seems to be some over-sharing going on which may be contributing to marital discord. For example, if you had an attraction to a colleague and knew you didn't want to cross a line by acting on it, then why did you tell your wife? if you were struggling with attraction to a colleague, why not privately consult an experienced relationship therapist in order to work it through yourself without breaking your marriage vows or upsetting your wife with needless sharing? It is not your wife's responsbilibilty to ensure that you manage your sexual boundaries when you are not in her company. That is your responsibility.

Then, if I understood you correctly, you went on to say that you inform your wife every time you are attracted to another female....why? The attraction is fine...there are lots of good looking people in the world...just don't act on it.

What do you mean by "emotional affair?" I'm familiar with the term from pop culture but honestly it doesn't seem to be a useful phrase. If you are friends with another woman, with healthy boundaries on both sides, there is nothing wrong with that. If there's no sex, or flirting, or plans to meet to run off together then i think the term "affair" is not realistic. For example, I'm a woman. I'm writing a message to you. Part of the message pertains to private topics and even sex. So if you read my message and don't show it to your wife, would that be the beginning of an "emotional affair?" To me, that sounds like a line from a soap opera. Real life and relationships are more complicated than that, right? I've had several male friends without any boundary issues or infidelity. How did you feel about your female colleague? Do you mean you were in love with her or wanted to go to bed with her? To me, that's the real issue. Are there really marriages ending because of sexless "emotional affairs?" I find that hard to believe. Perhaps I am naive?

Take a step back from your wife's side of things for a moment. What do you want? Do you want to remain in a monogamous marriage or are you resenting your wife because you're feeling that monogamy is not for you. Honestly, I think you need to start working through these thoughts on your side with the help of a therapist. Repeatedly telling your wife every time you see a beautiful woman is not going to get either of you anywhere. I'm in a committed monogamous relationship. I am not unfaithful but I do notice handsome men. And I don't inform my significant other when I see another handsome man. Why would I? I know he notices beautiful women in the world...what's wrong with that?

Fair play to you for being open and posting. I wish you and your wife peace and joy regardless of how you move forward. Please consider dialing back the over-sharing while you figure out what you do and don't want. And I should say that your wife is welcome to read my message. I've no intention of having an "emotional affair" with you or any other male on PC. I was just demonstrating a point that society has gotten a bit loopy with some of these ideas. Just my thoughts.