If you dont mind I wanted to try and address multiple points ..
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Originally Posted by issidore
I suspect her being a narcissist, but I would like your opinion. There are four of us all doing the same work in the department we work at. She is one of the four and she is not our boss but constantly acts like it. She even acts like this with people who are there longer than she is and who actually taught her how to do this job. She can't escape the being authoritative- kissing up to us routine - she compliments us on something, and then when a superior is present or someone she thinks has a better job than her, she criticises us for the very same thing she complimented us for.
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If she is not your boss how about saying.." thanks for your suggestion. I think I will run it by____(Mr bossman) and see what he wants me to do"
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She spreads negative gossip about us all the time, and involve as many people as she can in this. She never admits doing anything wrong and blames us for it or other people. She talks all the time, interrupts people, shifts conversation subjects to herself, injects herself in the conversations of others, etc. When she's explaining something, she uses way too much unecessary detail, lecturing us on things we already know.
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There will always be office gossip. As long as you do not feed into it or even address it she will (hopefully) learn that you dont care about what isnt true.
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When she is criticised, she can't drop the subject until she proves she is right. This often includes bringing in other people into the matter, even those who have nothing to do with it. This is very embarassing, and she uses this opportunity to criticise and lie about us in front of other people.
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Who is doing the criticizing? Your boss? If so, if she attempts to try and justify I would say" You will have to take it up with___(whoever criticized her) because it doesnt involve me.
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The kissing up pattern is more pronounced when she's around superiors. This behavior is so extreme that is makes my stomach turn, but many of them don't seem to think there is anything unusual about it. When they leave, she sometimes bad-mouths them in front of us, although not so much lately, probably because she is sensing that we refuse to be dragged into her web.
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Personally I would nip that in the bud by sharing something like.." I do not like to talk about people when they are not here. How about I go get (whomever) so you can discuss this with them?"
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She doesn't treat us the same way though. Those of us who confronted her directly and gave her honest opinions about her received worse treatment than those who didn't. I was lucky enough to know to just politely put her in her place and not to insult her. My coleague unfortunately didn't do that, and she continued to treat her worse than me. Nevertheless, everything described here I experiences myself. I got a feeling like she's constantly trying to feel me up, always calculating whether to act authoritatively or to suck up to me. She shifts from one pattern to another constantly. The coleague of mine who told her honestly what she thinks about her gets only the brute, authoritative pattern.
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To be honest..we teach people how to treat us. If we allow unwanted things to be said or happen and not address it then it will not stop. It is especially helpful to not engage in anything critical or otherwise with her. Let the boss do that.
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Another thing she does is that she goes out of her way to do work she is not supposed to for bosses and those who are better positioned. By doing this, she doesn't respect procedure or our internal arrangements as a team. Other coworkers who don't work in our department but who nevertheless work with us think therefore that the rest of us don't do as much as she does, which is probably her goal.
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How do you know they think this? Has anyone said or asked you about it? If it were to come up it may be helpful to say" Thanks for your offer to help but Mr Bossman asked me to do it and I would like to follow protocol. If she goes behind your back to do it or attempts to do it anyway then address the person or people that asked you to do something " i know you asked me to do XXX but Mrs pain-in the-*** decided to do it so if there are any questions I suggest you ask her".
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Our immediate boss knows about this. He told me that previous workers quit because of her and that this has been a problem for ages (I'm newly employed there, couple of months). According to our coworker who is a senior employee, a lot of people recognize these problems, including our immediate boss, apparently, but he never did anything about it. All three of us feel very uneasy around her and have difficulty doing our job.
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This is workplace bullying. Personally I would consider taking it to human resources but before you do I recommend you talk to your immediate boss and say something like " You have told me about past issues with Ms pain-in the-*** but I would like to formally address the workplace bullying with HR. Unless you have any suggestions on how we can handle it?"
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Sorry for the long post. So, do you think, based on this, that she has narcissistic tendencies and what can the three of us do about it? All three of us completely agree on her, by the way, she hasn't brainwashed any of us.
Thank you in advance!
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I do not think it is anything to tie to mental health issues. Sure, she may sound like someone with Narcissistic issues, but I think its almost doing a disservice to anyone with a mental illness by trying to tie her bad behavior to a mental illness. Its almost like people wondering if someone is bipolar just because they are moody. Some people are just jerks and it doesnt need to be tied to a mental illness. Unless being an asshole is a mental health condition that I was unaware of. Straight up this is workplace bullying, a hostile and toxic work environment and you shouldnt have to deal with this. She shouldnt be allowed to get a way with it but if you do not pursue the proper avenues to address it formally- well she will just keep doing it unchecked.
Bullies are very good at making you question yourself and causing you to get all critical of yourself. That is not an environment conducive to working and it can mess with your chi. i have found that the easiest way to take the wind out of a bully's sail (other than formally addressing it) Is to state and repeat if necessary, what the real facts are. And only do it when you absolutely must. Engaging with a bully makes them want to bully more. her words and actions only affect you if you let them.