I'm just looking for a second opinion here and I know this is not an official diagnosis tool or anything like that.

My whole life I've felt like I'm at war with myself. I've sat goals for myself extremely high and I've always been obsessed with the idea of a perfect me. Anything less than perfection feels like a betrayal of my own existence. I've always felt disgusted by people who weren't ambitious or wanted the ordinary things in life. To me, ordinary has always felt empty and boring and I've tried really hard to differ myself from the average. I've always tried to become the best possibly version of myself according to my gifts and talents. I feel an extreme force inside of me that pushes me towards becoming better and better all the time. To set more goals for myself and push my personal limits.

This need for perfection is in the right opposite with my rather... careless, lazy, comfort seeking and irresponsible character. I have no actual will power or inner strength to accomplish most of my goals. And most of the time I feel like the biggest failure that doesn't deserve to live. I hate myself, I feel like I'm an awful, gross person and I've felt like this ever since I can remember.

When I was a teen I used to settle goals and plans for myself to accomplish and when I didn't, I used to self harm as the means of punishment. I also went through eating disorders, binge eating, bulimia and later anorexia. I used all of these mechanisms to punish myself for being imperfect and bad.

Now I'm older and I don't do any of these. I haven't self harmed in more than 5 years and I've been eating normally for over 5 years now as well. Still I often experience a great hatred for myself and I can't fight really awful feelings of guilt and inner shame. Nothing that I ever do actually feels good enough and the more I push myself, the more discouraged I feel.

I have phases that usually last for few weeks, sometimes a month when I feel balanced, happy and I have a higher self confidence. During these phases I actually believe in myself and am better at finishing and starting new things as well as staying more focused on my workout routine and career goals.
Then I have other phases, when I think about my life and whether it has any meaning at all. I feel lost, hopeless and absolutely undeserving of anything good. I feel lazy, corrupted, evil, disgusting.

Sometimes I feel a lot of anxiety, because I feel like I've wanted a lot from my life and myself and I haven't reached any of these goals. I feel like my life's going nowhere, it's empty and I'm soon going to die and disappear just like all the other people who have never accomplished anything. And that feeling of nonexistence completely gets me and I sometimes get a panic attack.

I know a lot of people deal with similar feelings and I just want to know if this sounds like something that is a mental health issue or something that is normal to a certain degree for everyone.