Hi all, my wife and I thank you for the thoughtful responses. I'm going to respond to everything that has caught my interest:

Iloivar:

Why do you think you're resentful when you've openly communicated to your wife an attraction for another woman?

In the past, these feelings have seemed to come from not being able to pursue these other women, and hold on to the fantasy that is created when the attraction or interest develops. Almost always, the resentment appears and grows when I don't make the admission, because I am hiding the fact, and also I don't relish these fantasies, on the contrary I would prefer if they didn't happen. It's rare that the resentment stays after the admission. Another layer for the resentment that has become apparent, along with the reason I mentioned already is the anticipated emotional beating from her I take when I make the admission.

Was this disclosure of occurring attractions something your wife asked of you to do?

Initially yes, but I also see the value in it, so I want to participate. Somehow keeping these attractions secret is very disturbing for me, and I feel guilty and ashamed, and disclosing them makes everything go away. There is always an aftermath however, but overall the process seems to be of a positive nature and helps us move forward.

Furthermore, what do you think of your wifes opinion on you not wanting to be in this commitment?

I think it makes sense, considering the circumstances. However, I feel deeply committed to her and feel at odds with it. I want to be in this commitment, I just have this inconvenient issue which I am trying to understand.

Is there something about an attraction to another woman that appeals to you, which your current relationship doesn't bring to the table?

My mind seems to crave the visual physical beauty, and validation that other women's attention gives me. Also, it attributes characteristics to these women that haven't really been proven but my mind attributes and idealizes, adding to the fantasy image of "what" these women are. These illusions pile up, I try to resist relishing or even acknowledging them, feeling guilty and unfaithful all the while, beating myself up for the fact that they even appear in my mind. It's a mess when it happens. It is peaceful when it doesn't.

When did this start happening?

Last year about 2 years into our being together. I was at a job I found really boring and I didn't have much going on in my life other than going to work and watching YouTube.

sarahsweets:

Of course she is upset. I would be too. I do not understand why you would be resentful of her if you are the one with the feelings. How would you feel if she had feelings for another person? Would you be ok with that?

Ha. Coincidentally she now has a strong attraction to someone she sees regularly (guy at the gym), and when she tells me about him, I get a bit jealous. So yes, I get jealous when she tells me about other guys (which is rare).

HopefullyLost1211:

At the work incident there was development of sexual interest and emotional longing for connection with my female co-worker. Eventually I cut off interacting with that person because it seemed that because of the attraction, any interaction would strengthen my desire and my perception of my emotional bond with this woman, and create a palpable distance between my wife and me. I would call that an emotional affair, one of the heart and mind, not so much the body.

golden_eve:

Do you wish you had your freedom? Do you secretly want to act on your attractions? It's really hard to advise without more info.

I am new to commitment in general. Professionally, emotionally, and any other way conceivable. My life prior to this relationship was lived on a whim; discipline and self control were unheard of. When my wife first suggested a lifelong commitment, I was appalled, and taken quite by surprise. After some thought, I realized that somewhere deep down, I knew it was the right choice for me. Unfortunately, despite my conscious decision, I have 3 decades of mental conditioning of doing whatever I want to contend with my new circumstances.

So in short: Part of me wants to act on these attractions. I have not and don't intend to. I have instead chosen to be committed and do truly want that, I would rather put those desires aside, because ( I thought) I had proven to myself that chasing and getting involved with other women is dissatisfying. But it seems that I still enjoy it, despite having made a choice that does not allow me to do it.While challenging, commitment leads to a different kind of pleasure and satisfaction that can't be attained with flings or short term episodes (in my experience). Hopefully that illustrates the problem more clearly. I want to be committed to my wife but I have these strong desires to be with other women that cause me to resent her. And this is causing ongoing friction between us