Angie,

I LOVE your cockatiel pic!! I am a bird lover, and I collect birdie pictures from all over the internet. Must have over 4,000 by now. Lately I've been getting them from Webshots.

OK -- to continue with my post from last night. First, thanks to all for their words of encouragement. It aint easy to make oneself vulnerable, but I suppose it's a little easier over the internet, when you don't have to see the person you are talking to. Making and keeping eye contact isn't easy for me, especially when I'm feeling down.

So, where was I? Oh yeah... 1990. Finally got on SSI for mental disabilities after a year of trying - depression, PTSD, anxiety, etc. most of it due to my unerlying medical conditions at the time. Little did I know that they were gonna get worse instead of better. My T at the time said there was no point for me to try and work until I got my medical stuff under control, then I could work on the mental part.. then maybe get back into the workforce. HAH!! {argg, I can't use the smiley things because AOL 7 won't bring the page up}

A partial list of medical things compicating my life:

-- degenerative disc disease
-- spinal stenosis (narrowing of spinal canal)
-- spinal arthritis
-- endometriosis
-- osteoarthritis in both knees and both shoulders
-- lymphedema (swelling) in both legs
-- mild asthma
-- lordosis (severe inward lumbar spinal curvature)
-- in 1990 I had a hard time with my kidney, same thing I had when I was a baby
-- tendonitis in both ankles and both wrists
-- carpal tunnel syndrome
-- fibromyalgia
-- possible narcolepsy
-- chronic severe back pain
etc.,etc. the list goes on.....

Most of these things hadn't come up YET. At the time, the worst of it was the kidney thing. I was so distressed and upset that I seriously considered suicide. I had determined that I was not going to live the rest of my life on dialysis, waiting on a transplant. But I didn't "have the guts" to pull it off. Tried to get myself checked into the hospital psych ward, but I guess I didn't act out enough. When I get very depressed, I tend to shut down and draw inward. I get very quiet. Some ppl rant/rave/scream/howl at the moon... not me. I sit very quiet and still. Shove everything down deep inside. No one but me recognized this, and I went again without therapy or meds... but I did go to my regular doc and tell her I was depressed... so we started on the med cycle: Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Protryptiline. One psych. wanted to put me on Valium - after seeing me for only 15 minutes and mostly he talked about HIS problems! I never went back to him.

During this time I met and moved in with a truly great guy... we've been together since March 1986 - not officially married - just living together. Common-law. He has stuck with me through all of the tears, anger, mood swings, etc. I am truly blessed with him.

Skip ahead to last couple years --- finally found a good pain doc, a good physical rehab doc, and a good regular doc - but no therapist yet. And no meds for a long time.
But this regular doc recognized some of the signs of depression and suggested Celexa. I was on that for about 6 months before it stopped working. Then Zoloft, then Effexor. Seems like I was on the medical merry go round again... I just can't find a med that works long-term.
And, I STILL can't get into therapy.

The local mental clinic takes SSI, but only if you have schizophrenia, Bi-polar, DID, or are suicidal or homicidal. I am none of these. Just depressed. Need someone to talk to. Possibly 6-8 months of therapy would be enough, coupled with some decent medication. The person doing my assessmnent told me that I was too functional, too insightful for their clinic. They had far worse ppl than me who needed their services more than I did. In other words, I knew too much about my own needs!! Well, I do have an Associates Degree with a Major in Abnormal Psychology And, she tried to tell me that physical pain was NOT a major stressor!! I think I would have laughed had it not hurt so much.

So --- basically that brings us to the present time... no meds, no counselling. I sit and do puzzles, read, play with my birds, do beadwork (which IS theraputic - when my carpal tunnel allows it), watch TV with my husband (still not married, but we call each other hubby and wife), go bowling every Sunday night. I do get out of the house every day - to the local Denny's, and sit there for a few hours every afternoon. I can no longer do any housework - I have a caregiver who comes in every day and takes care of me and the house. She helps with washing the hair, washing dishes/clothes/vacuuming/dusting ect.-- things that are difficult with my disabilities.

I am trying to get my SSI switched over from mental to physical... at my last eval they said that they anticipate my getting better in about 3 years. Well, it's been about that long now. My medical health is so that I doubt that I can ever work outside the home again. I can't even stand up for 5 minutes at a time without severe pain. I am taking Methadone and Percocet for chronic lower back pain that will never get any better.

Oh my heavens -- it seems that I have written a book!! I promise that most of my posts will be far shorter from now on... unless we're discussing Parrots