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Old Jan 18, 2019, 05:39 AM
issidore issidore is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: Croatia
Posts: 2
Thank you MickeyCheeky and sarahsweets for your compassion, kindness and advice! Much appreciated

From reading your replies I realize I have given very little information about any of our behavior so I'll try to clarify that.

First let me say that the suggestions you made here about how we should act are spot on. All three of us(but since I am not always present at their shifts perhaps I should speak only for myself) know these things and we try to behave like that. Although I must say that the two out of three of us have only been working there for 2 months, so there was a period which involved getting to know this gaslighter (I'll call her Gassy), trying to evaluate her behavior, which involved mistakes I would not now repeat. We didn't, of course, realize that she is an abuser, so we did things we shouldn't have, like explaning things to her, trying to offer our point of view, etc, which always ended up with her telling us that she is right and we don't know anything. The two of us have had nervous reactions to her behavior, which we now realize she could use against us so we try to control ourselves,although it's quite difficult, especially since we've been working there for such a short time, and our new workplace honeymoon phase has been cut off.
I'll call the coworker who's new there like I am 2, and the other one I'll call 1, the one who's been there for 4 years.

When Gassy criticises me and accuses me of being unprofessional for doing the same thing she did, I say that I am following procedure and that I will do as the procedure dictates.The problem is that she then has a habit of flying off the handle, calling people on the phone and speaking in my name, often wrongly interpreting what I've said and done, and then I have to explain myself to these people on the phone (the people she's calling are not my bosses, but a centre in a different city which does the same job as we do but a lot longer, so we call them if we have any questions).

I do not react to her gossip, so she doesn't share it with me as much. I repeatedly told her that other people's behavior is not my business and that I am here to do my job. I only mentioned this here because she spreads gossip about us, and since I am new there and she isn't, I am afraid that other coworkers she gossips with will listen to her and jeopardize my job.

I did the criticizing, which was a mistake I made in that earlier period. Instead of telling her what I tell her now, that I am following procedure and that's that, I engaged myself into explaining to her why her suggestions and behavior don't make sense. One example- 2 didn't do a certain assignment right. Not on purpose, she just made a mistake, she's new. A person from the centre located at the different city which I've mentioned sent an e-mail notifying us about the mistake (the assignment is done via computer, so they see what we're doing). 2 said that she asked the person from the other centre for help, but that this person didn't have time as he was busy doing something else. Gassy then erupted and started calling the other centre's number, asking for the person who wasn't able to help, calling him names to his coleagues and to us, saying that he's incompetent, he's an idiot, saying he'll have to answer to her(again,she's not anyone's boss!), etc. Then she said to us that we won't do that assignment at this moment,because we are still new and we don't know yet how. I did the same assignment a few days earlier and did well. I said to her, „why didn't you ask 2 what went wrong, and why should I not do it, since I showed that I do know how?“. She didn't want to hear it, „no, you won't do it, you are new,you don't know how, out of the question“. The other centre's reaction was that 2 did make a mistake, but nothing unfixable. I kept doing it anyway, and so did 2. Neither of us made any mistakes from then on.

My behaviour towards her now looks like this- I politely but coldly only speak to her when our job requires us to. When she says something else, comments on something or something of the sort, I stare at my computer and don't say anything. She stopped repeating gossip or asking me what I think about him or her because I have told her that these people's business is not my own. Now the only comments she makes are something like „oh, I have to go buy new pants, but that's such a pain in the ***“. I do not reply to such comments. She only asks me to go smoke a cigarette with her, which I politely decline. When I first came to work there, I talked a lot more with her, as I now do with the other two, but since I realized what she's like I stopped and now she doesn't talk as much either. She still bosses me around, reminds me to do something I already know that I should do(always with a condescending tone), to which I just say that I know I need to do that. She also tries to do my part of the job without asking me, to which I say that this is what I do and that she should do her part. Most of the time she sits there angrily, although from time to time she tries to suck up to me. Like cheerfully asking me to go smoke a cigarette with her like nothing's wrong, and when other people are present, she bosses me around even more. Recently she told me that I am really good at my job out of the blue. She repeated that several times. I said thank you. Another co-worker from the other department came into our office and she started criticising me and reminding me nervously that I should to x and y, while I was doing those things. She injects herself into my part of the job constantly. If I'm on the phone, she's like „who's that? What are they saying, what?“.

I know that other co-workers think that the rest of us don't do as much because of her kissing up to them by doing excessive work because they came and told us to be more like her. I witnessed it twice, and 1 told me about such events that occurred previously. They said that we should look up to Gassy. When we told these people that what Gassy is doing is really not what we are paid for, they just snarked and left. They are not familiar with our procedure, so I guess it seems like to them like we are avoiding work. Gassy knows this and uses it to her advantage.

As for our immediate boss, the situation is like this. 2 quickly realized what she's dealing with here, and she told our boss. He said he will talk to Gassy. We don't know if that happened or not, but if it did, he certainly never mentioned anything to us. 1 has been telling him for years, but nothing came of it. I reminded my boss that he promised 2 he will do something about it, and he told me that he will set up a meeting.He said that with some explaining, she will come around. I am really not sure that this is a good idea, and all three of us are afraid (I know because we've talked about it) that she will resent this meeting and be even worse towards us afterward. So yes, I guess you are right; if he doesn't do anything, we will take it to the HR. Only one small problem, the HR consists of only one person and apparently that person is the similar sort of person as Gassy. I don't have this confirmed, though, although many people have warned me about him, my boss included.

There perhaps could be another solution. One colleague from a different department who is also abused by her (Gassy is checking his scheduleand bossing him around, and she doesn't even know how to do his job!) and who complained about her to our boss (the same one) told me that our boss' boss knows about her, that he's fed up with her and that he's just waiting for another incident to occur to fire her. I don't know if this is true, and he did say that he doesn't want me to use this info. I don't know why he doesn't want me to, we didn't have enough time do talk, but I will ask him.
If you don't think it's mental ilness, and she might not have it, I am not a psychologist, do you think that my boss' solution would work? That if he explains things to her, she will listen? I don't know if he had done this for the past four years or not. 3 days have now passed since I've talked to him about Gassy and he didn't say anything, and more than a month has passed since 2 complained about her to him. Yesterday I saw him and asked him about the matter again. He told me he will do something soon. And then he started telling me that he understands me, that there is this other coleague bothering him. Like we are friends or something! I am very sceptical that he will do something. What do you think?