Gonna do a write up of both sessions, will split it in two posts.

We had a call on Monday since I hadn't been doing too well. In the first session, first I gave him my journal, which contained all the memories that came up in the last few days. He had suggested I could write it down on Monday. He asked what I wanted to talk about.

I said that my teacher, to whom I had written about possibly meeting up before I start working, had gotten back to me. I'd go meet him next Tuesday and I even have the possibility to join him for a lesson if I want that.

I mentioned that there had been a sentence in the teacher's email that bothered me. I had kept it pretty superficial, mentioning that he'd been my teacher for a while, what I had been up to since then, and so on. The guy wrote back and said that he remembered well that we used to go out for lunch 'in a difficult phase'. That bothered me, since that's what you tell a teenager. My mom used to tell me I was just going through a phase when I wanted to cut my hair short. As soon as I moved out, I cut my hair and I've been happier with it ever since. The word phase somehow means to me that it's a finished period in time. Which this thing I talked about with the teacher is not, it still bothers me to this day.

T asked what I'd like to talk about when I meet the teacher. I didn't really know. He asked whether I wanted to say that I'm not done with that phase yet, but that's not really what I'm going for.

Then we discussed that I'm nervous about sitting in a lesson. I mentioned how hard it always was for me to find somebody to team up with if there were group assignments. I was usually the one that had to join an already established group. So T took the opportunity to discuss how it might be at my first job. How people might go out for lunch and I can just join them, how it's okay if sometimes people don't want you to join, that it doesn't mean they'll never hang out with you again, and so on. He stressed that a whole lot. I also mentioned that I struggled with the lunch thing less in college, though group assignments were still an issue, there's more than one class I dropped simply because it required group work and I was too shy to ask anyone to work with me.

I then completely changed the topic and asked whether I can trip (i.e. do psychedelic drugs) on my medication. T said he wasn't sure. He already knows what I usually take, confirmed with me that it acts on serotonin receptors and then discussed a bit what to look out for. But ultimately he said that I'll probably not die and that it's just a thing you have to figure out with experience. I found it funny how he said 'a normal doctor would probably just say no, but I really can't do that'.