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Originally Posted by OmegaKindness
I am 36 years old and am in a happy marriage with my partner of 3.5 years. My wife is cool and we get along. Our sex life feels healthy and natural, even though it doesn't measure up to popular statistics. We also share a spiritual practice, and feel connected in that way as well.
I have a problem that started several months ago in which I became attracted to a woman at work. It almost boiled over into a real emotional affair, but we dodged the bullet together (not without a ton of fighting    ).
Since then I have tried to disclose attractions as they occur, with varying success. I find it really embarrassing to admit that I am attracted to other women, and I'm also ashamed, and often when these attractions occur, there seems to be an equal part of resentment or dislike that arises in me and is directed at my wife. She doesn't like that.  Neither do I. She understands that it is normal to get attracted to other people but doesn't get the part about my dislike/resentment towards her when I get attracted to other women. She thinks it is because deep down I don't really want to be in this commitment.
Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone want to weigh in on this situation? We would be glad to hear what others think about the situation.
Thank you |
First off, stop being ashamed at being a normal person. Stop being ashamed at actually being attracted to others of the opposite sex. There is no inherent shame in doing what is natural to people. Thing is, you have to separate that attraction is not equal to adultery nor does attraction mean that you need or want that other person. It is admiration for the physical beauty of another person, that's it. And we all do it. Why is it that men and women can talk about celebrities and how gorgeous they are and admire their beauty but cannot admit that they are just other people that happen to be famous? This should if anything be classified the same as your attraction to a co worker and your acknowledgment that they are such. The only difference is that a celebrity is in a safe distance and obviously not one we could pursue if we wanted typically. But that should not matter because I reiterate, that finding another person attractive does not by any means compel us to pursue or even desire to be with them. two separate things. One is natural and human, the other is a choice. NO ONE is compelled to cheat or pursue someone outside their relationship purely by attraction. no one.
So shirk the idea that attraction itself is some kind of offense against your relationship or a sin or any number of other things one could call lit to feel guilty over. What you do with that attraction is your choice. if you continue to make the choice to be faithful in your marriage, being attracted and acknowlegging that you are not blind is not something to feel guilty over nor should your wife hold it against you.
feeling resentment about having to disclose everything? sure, of course. that's natural to feel that way to have to be overly accountable to your spouse for something that you should not have to but the question is, does she compel you to do that or is it your guilt that did so? Because if she requires you to do this, the resentment is justified and it needs to be worked out with her but if it is borne of guilt and you feel obligated to do so, who do you have to be resentful to? if she's not telling you to do this then stop and admit that you're just a dude that has eyes that function and can see that there are other attractive females but you choose the one you're with everyday.
hope this helps.