T yesterday. Note, so part of this makes sense. T charges for emails that take him longer than 15 minutes to read and respond to, at his hourly rate in 15-minute increments. He's only charged me maybe 5-7 times in nearly 1.5 years and usually just responds for free. But this time, because I sent him two (brief) emails Monday, and he sent me a long paragraph in reply, plus a coping inventory to take, I figured he'd charge me.

Went back and sat down. I almost immediately got teary and said I felt almost like I should apologize for the emails I'd sent him Monday night. But then I knew I didn't have to. But I just hated that I was so needy. He said it was OK. Then I was like, "And I know you're going to charge me for it, and it's OK, but I'm sort of mad at myself for it, like I should have just emailed and said 'never mind, we can talk Thursday.' And I hate when you just tell me at the end of session you're charging me for an email, because then it's an awkward ending, so I'd rather know now." T: "I didn't charge you for it." Me: "You didn't?" T: "It didn't really take me that long. The COPE Inventory, I just copied and pasted from somewhere. I mean, it was a bit borderline on time, but I also know you had the extra session last week, so I'm trying to be mindful of your finances." Me: "Oh...thank you, I really appreciate that."

I said I'd filled out the inventory on how I coped with things and handed him a copy (I also had a copy). We both took out our reading glasses. I said I'd had trouble answering parts because it's like sometimes I do one thing, other times another thing that seems the opposite. Like sometimes I might obsess about the problem, other times use distractions to push it away. He said that's pretty common, that it might depend on the nature of the problem. And he said he didn't like how the regular test is scored, because it suggests that certain coping mechanisms are good and some are bad, while he feels it depends on the situation. Like if someone always used distractions and never faced a problem, could be an issue. But it's also not good to just obsess on something, which is something that I can end up doing. Talked some more about my answers.



Me (starting to cry): "I guess...I know realistically that this isn't why you sent the inventory to me. But I worry that you think I'm relying on you too much to cope, that you think I'm too needy, so you were sharing this so I'd find other ways. So that I won't bother you so much." T: "You aren't bothering me." Me: "OK, but I still feel bad about it. I mean I reach out to friends, too, for support." T: "I know you do, that's good. And it seems like they really help you." Me: "Yeah, but I worry I'm bothering them, too." T: "If you have a reciprocal relationship with them, where you also support them when they're having problems, then they're not going to think you're bothering them." Me: "But sometimes, if they're dealing with something of their own, I feel bad bothering them with my stuff." T: "Then you can both cry together." Me: "yeah, I guess so."

I said through tears how I'd been thinking recently that maybe I could have reduced session frequency, but then last week, I needed an extra session and I've emailed him a couple times in the past couple weeks. T: "I wouldn't base how you're doing on session frequency." Me: "OK." T: "And remember, improvement isn't linear." Me: "Yeah, I know...it's just hard when I think I'm doing better, then something happens like I need an extra session." T: "But you are doing better in some areas." Me: "Yeah, I guess so, I feel that I am. And...I try other stuff first before emailing you, I hope you realize that." T: "I do." Me: "Though I guess there have been a few times recently where you said you had expected me to email but I didn't. Where I was just able to sit with it until next session. So I guess that's progress?" T: "I certainly think so. Being able to sit with your feelings? That's a good thing." Me: "OK."

I said how a big conflict with ex-T had been, near the end of my seeing her, when she said I still seemed to have some much anxiety and depression. And it felt like she'd thought I hadn't improved, and it really hurt, because I thought I had. T: "Did you ask her for a refund?" Me: "No, maybe I should have!" I said I verified with H and ex-MC that they thought I'd improved, and they felt I had. So it helped. And it helped that T thinks I'm improving, too. He said I need to trust what I'm feeling inside, that if I feel like I'm improving, that's what counts the most. I said in some ways I felt I was.

Me: "But then also I guess I feel like I keep failing with the drinking, like I'll do better for a few days, then something will happen and I resort to that." T: "The way I see drinking for you is that medications don't help you much with anxiety. So you go to drinking to cope." Me: "Yeah...and I don't really want to resort to benzos, as that could cause its own problems." T: "Right. Plus you have some positive associations with drinking." Me: "Yeah, like hanging out with H or relaxing. So I guess it's complicated." T: "It's definitely complicated." Me: "I feel like...I don't know, like it's a symptom. And I need to take of stuff from the inside out, like fix stuff inside of me first. If I just focus on the drinking, I don't think it will last." T agreed. Me (seeing T surreptitiously grabbing his phone, so we could schedule): "I know we have to stop, we can talk about that more next time." T: "OK!"

Confirmed Monday and Thursday, then he said we could schedule the following Monday. T: "I don't want to mess up and put someone in your spot." Me: "But this coming Monday is a holiday, I figure your schedule is different, it's not a big deal." T: "But if I'd have put you in first, then I could have scheduled around you." Me: "Oh...OK." Scheduled for the following Monday.

Threw my pile of tissues away (note related to recent thread: no other tissues in trash can, just a candy or granola bar wrapper), then went over and paid. T shook my hand as he said, "Take care, LT." Me: "Thanks, you too." This seems like such a minor thing, but he usually says something else while shaking my hand (like "Good luck out there" or "have a good weekend"), then will sometimes add "take care" as I'm walking out. It felt meaningful that he said it as the main parting words, because I'd been pretty upset in session.

I feel one of the biggest parts of this session was that I really let my emotions out a few times. I was really weepy with him in early December when dealing with the ex-MC stuff, and it helped to get that out. But for some reason, I'd barely cried--maybe just tearing up a little--in session since then. It was like I was holding back for some reason, because I might end up crying at home, but not in there. So the fact that I was really kind of sobbing a few times at beginning and end, that release helped. And he seemed very caring, in the way that he spoke to and looked at me during those moments. Which meant a lot. Not quite ex-MC "holding with the voice" and "hugging from across the room" levels, but like T's version of that (as he's said, he's caring but not "warm and fuzzy" like ex-MC is). Not that I want or need to be sobbing in every session, but it's more that I seemed to be holding back, and I let go. And also expressed some fears, like that I was bothering him, that he thought I was being too needy, etc. I know much of that is likely projection, but his reassurance helped.

ETA: Responses ok, either here or in PM.