T and I had been dealing with my attachment to this person and what that's about and my falling apart every time I thought she was leaving me (all in my mind).

During this I came to feel that I was getting ready to be willing to let go. I felt like if she did stop writing I would be okay. Then I actually felt a desire to write less often. And I did suggest that. I also started being more authentic with her in my writing, being more myself, not worrying about 'pushing her away'. When I suggested writing less frequently I knew I was getting ready to be able to let go some; I needed to let go slowly to this important person in my life. I never wanted to lose her, just let go a bit. But she analyzed that and my other posts and decided it was time for us to stop writing. It was like she just yanked the whole process out of my hands, made it a way too quick separation, and I had no choice to say good-bye. I just wanted to write less frequently. I don't understand why she couldn't let me try that. Even if she wanted to stop writing completely, she could have let me taper off. I know she cares about me and her good-bye was very sweet and caring. She's told me many times that I matter to her. But this is so hard. I don't want to be without her. I don't think I'll ever get my head around it.

T called tonight; I'd left a few messages over the weekend, but couldn't allow myself to use her cell. She said she doesn't pick up her messages on the weekend and I would have to use her cell. I should have. Maybe I could have gone to work. She talked to me for a minute, said the usual "that's so hard" "that brings up a lot of things".. but she never says she cares that I'm in such pain. Is it wrong for me to want that?