Today has been harder, I think because there was less I could do. I found a place that will accept the donation of my father's body if they can find a funeral home that will work with them. They are supposed to get back to me today but I'm beginning to think that won't happen. A telemarketer keeps making me jump for the phone and then they hang up after one ring. No funny.

Then all my siblings have to give consent, which includes my 22 year old half-brother who has no memory of even meeting our father. I hope he is ok with this because it is the arrangement the rest of us feel best about. He doesn't want to be involved and the easiest way to do that is to sign the form so I hope he sees it that way. I'm really anxious about that though.

Anxiety has been high all day. I took a PRN dose of gabapentin but it's only 100 mg and it only made me tired but not less anxious. My pdoc said she's up the dose of my PRN but didn't get back to me before the weekend so I'm trying to stick to just the 200 mg I'm allowed, although if I have to I'll take more as I'm pretty sure she won't care.

I think I'm getting through this by doing things and I'm running out of things to do. At least Monday I can call the social worker again and I also finally see my therapist that day. I need to talk to him. I'm holding things together too well. I still haven't cried or even felt sad for more than a few minutes because I don't want to.

It still doesn't feel real. I haven't seen him in 20 years; how could it? But real it is. I need to get used to that.