and thanks and

I dislike the smell as well but ugh, I like it too- just like pipe tobacco being smoked- I some times wonder if I was addicted, like many others I am sure, before I picked up my first cigarette and smoked it. This due to being always around smokers as a kid- these days that's super taboo - and for good reason.

Funny thing though, (I hope at least)- my ex smokes still and I hang out with him still- I always ask if he wants to do a quit date with me. Even still now. Anyways, tonight I hang out with him- and earlier just a few hours ago, we had went out side-I was telling him he stank and "yuck" *waving my hands around*- he gave some sort of come back ((we are children at heart)).

I did not smoke with ex tonight (*nor today), just hung out with him this evening and I did my own thing earlier. I will still like to go outside, because where we are now - no smoking, and it's awful (and I thought that even when smoking a pack day) lol....
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When I stopped smoking for almost a year, I was living with him- smoking inside, all the time around me-- and I had stopped due to terrible circumstances ((some people have trouble changing, and some times it takes something horrible to help them be motivated -- unfortunately that was, and I still think to a point is me at times)). I had attempted to quit so many times before that all happened though, so-- idk... It scares me that I am just damaging more of my body, and with my two back issues- both orthopedic doctors mentioned that the smoking, assisted with my bad genetics on top. I have a few discs that potentially could herniate like the two that are fused now. (I've had a motivation and reason to quit, it is just so difficult)..

This is one aspect of me that I do question--- with my decisions of treatment and management plan with -- life for me ( ) .

TO be honest- I am afraid of Chanix; and the few general doctors I have talked with about quitting to smoke- they agree I should exhaust other avenues before going that route. This of course is after letting them know me, ((because I see no reason of why not be honest on this topic to them; for me- it's important to be, especially if the person (doctor) is trying to assist *and I am in a mood to be there and listen). One of the side effects of chanix - just- may not be a good fit for me.
I do wonder at times, for any one that reads this and wonders- if my fear weighs in more than the chance of just trying it- however I would like to try other avenues before so, just so to limit options and last resort options. Some times I do wonder if the whole- true quit smoking will end me up on a path that I resist.-- but that could just be my wondering mind.

I was thinking of trying hypnosis, have had a few people tell me that it has worked for them. I have tried some recordings with meditation, which helps a little.. and since I am a "Star-quitter" I have also reminded myself today especially - to acknowledge the times, that i don't want a cig. Like, the opposite of "I need a cig" - try to note the times, I don't want a cig.
I do need to find some thing or things to replace smoking.... and chewing on my hair is not really an option

I am sorry - I said no need for a reply back and then I chatchatchatchatted away... Just getting my plan more into a formula I think