It's really only the initial contact. It takes a very long time until I feel comfortable initiating contact with someone. This particular person, I think I started developing feelings for so I'm not sure if we should even hang out.
I go to a lot of meet-up groups and other social groups. I meet others through various work environments and even school I guess if that counts anymore. I just don't develop close relationships with anyone. I did with my ex (or at least so I thought) and we were together for 4 years. We became friends afterward, partially to ease the heartbreak I think. It was all a lie though...he never even wanted to live with me, he never even accept me for who I was. I'm not sure he really fully knew or understood me.
I changed my original post. It used to be this (there may be some repetition at this point):
Quote:
I just feel lonely. The only relationships I have are working/colleague relationships. And when I'm in class or on my own, I'm pretty much alone. What little time I spend with people is never enough.
I don't have special or close relationships. I'm not close at all to my family and am estranged from most of them. I'm single and it's unlikely I'll ever find anyone else. I doubt I could convince my ex that we're the best each one of us could ever do. Oh well, it's socially wrong (if not morally wrong) to want to be in a relationship.
I don't have best friends anymore. Not for a long time...I thought maybe my ex could be a best friend whether we were in a relationship or not. I now realize that like my other "best friends" I won't be accepted and fully understood so we can't be. Maybe I was stupid/selfish/whatever to assume he could accept and understand me as I really was.
I only really socialize if someone needs me for something or I'm able to work. I used to work more before being a student again...probably was a mistake, but I didn't realize I would be broken up with right before classes started so I gave up too much to go back to school.
I wish I could be younger again...maybe I could have the experience of having friends or dating again. How do I make up for all the needs for human interaction that aren't being met? Imagining having relationships with people worked until I had real relationships (maybe my biggest mistake?)...now it doesn't help much anymore.
I don't know...I was with someone for four years...he never lived with me (never wanted to) and I find out at the end he really never fully accepted or understood me. I guess that's what I deserve considering I felt pressured to not quite be myself in order to be acceptable to him. Everything he said was opposite of what he did and I'm still so confused about it all.
I can't really get too close to people because I always want more out of the relationship...someone older who's a mentor, I would wish they were family or a parent, someone nearer my age I would wish we could be romantically involved. Everyone else has people who are special to them, you know, "loved ones". I don't anymore. And what I did have was apparently a lie.
Is it really so wrong to want loved ones and some kind of family that you could actually share your life and how you're feeling with?
Animals really aren't an option either. I don't really know how to take care of them, they're expensive, and they would choose any human over me.
What's ironic is that all the people that I'm around seem to really like me and even more so when they get to know me. But somehow I'm just not enough to be loved. Truly despicable people have relationships, have loved ones, admirers, whatever and yet...here I am, somehow less than even the worst of society. I just wish I knew what made me this level of horrible so I could fix it.
The only things I can think of, other people aren't punished for, so I have to wonder why I'm held to such a higher standard than everyone else. I just don't get it.
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