My session on Thursday:

I had texted the therapist the previous night following the first lab of my PE/yoga class. I was really distressed about it for a multitude of reasons, including: being "triggered" by the instructor's demeanor, being upset by the mirror we were forced to do yoga in front of, feeling depressed and disgusted by my appearance in said mirror due to medication induced weight gain, ****ing crying at the end for no reason (just as I had feared).

We dove right into talking about how the yoga class had upset me. I listed the reasons. I was especially angry about the 3-4 tears that had slipped out at the end of the class. I had previously read on this forum about people spontaneously crying in yoga, and I had been worried I might be a victim of such an attack - despite the fact that I rarely cry. I told the therapist about how we were just lying on the floor when it happened. I mentioned how the instructor started saying all sorts of yoga compassion stuff, which made me feel personally attacked and threatened. I admitted that my reaction was bizarre and irrational.

I also talked about how the instructor was using her therapist voice and I hated it. The therapist wanted clarification on this for obvious reasons, as this is not something we have discussed before. I explained that the instructor is a clinical social worker, like the therapist, and she was using her therapist voice during the class. I told her it made me feel threatened, which was embarrassing to admit. The therapist asked if I feel that way with her (the therapist's) voice. I said no, she doesn't do the weird mushy gushy thing. The therapist seemed to find this amusing.

I said I was worried about doing the meditation stuff in the class. Unless it involves my dog (physically), I find meditation reminds me of the feeling when something bad is happening and you shut it out and focus on something little to get you through the experience. So basically, dissociation. In keeping with the theme of my feelings during the class, meditation makes me feel threatened and unsafe. Meditating on cue feels like trying to enact a trauma response even when I am safe. I don't find that helpful or desirable. The therapist seemed to understand what I was saying. Then I threw mindfulness into the mix (which is a favorite with therapists). She understood that a little less, I think. I tried to explain how I experience mindfulness as depersonalization and derealization, but I'm not sure she understood.

Next we talked about how I hated the breathing exercises. I told the therapist that doing any sort of activity where I have to focus on and alter my breathing in a certain way is extremely triggering for me. I have experienced traumas where my breathing was restricted or cut off, and anything that imposes on my ability to breathe naturally makes me feel panicked and anxious. I believe this is the opposite of the intended effect. The anxiety can sometimes even trigger an asthma attack. So I really, REALLY hate breathing exercises.

We talked briefly about the traumas which make the breathing exercises so upsetting.

The therapist asked if I could talk to the instructor about how I might have trouble with some things in the class. She said that hopefully, an LCSW would recognize how some things might affect people. I said the instructor is only an MSW. The therapist said she should still have some training. I scoffed. I have no intention of playing my sad little violin for the instructor. I'll just do the best I can, fake the meditation, and hope she doesn't notice if my chest isn't always rising and falling according to her commands.

The therapist brought up how my text had said that I wanted to act out because of the class, but had used a positive coping strategy instead.

I decided to take the opportunity of the therapist being pleased with me to tell her something bad I had done a little while ago. I thought she was going to be angry. She would have had a right to be, as it involved her. She wasn't angry, which felt anticlimactic. She wanted to talk about why I had done what I had done. I equivocated. I said the important thing was I had done something bad. She said maybe I had a reason for doing it. I told her something else. We sat in silence. I asked her if she was going to say something. She asked me what I thought she was going to say. I said I didn't know, but she was looking at me. She sounded amused and said she had been looking at me the whole time. I told her I thought she was going to be angry. She said I think that a lot. She said she liked that I was being honest. I said it wasn't very comfortable.

I told the therapist part of the class requires creating a wellness plan for the semester. The therapist thought this was good. I said when I create the plan, it will be clear my current wellness is in the gutter. The therapist said she had sort of been trying to create a wellness plan with C involving getting out of the apartment more, but that she hadn't been very successful.

I said I would try not to stay in bed all weekend. We talked about taking my dog somewhere nice on an outing. She gave me a few suggestions.