Hypo is beautiful. I’m so happy and energetic. I’m not anxious or upset. I only get anxious when I have to tamp down my energy to appear “normal” in front of people. Maybe I spend a little too much, maybe I drink a little too often, maybe I drive a little too fast, but it’s all manageable.

Manic, well, I’m not sure I’ve ever been fully manic. I don’t know where the line is. I’ve never spent so much that I’ve fallen into irreparable debt, I’ve never slept around, I’ve nevrr had a problem with drinking or drugs, etc etc. so I’m not sure if my dx of bp 1 is even right.

Mixed though...I KNOW I’ve been mixed. These are the episodes I usually “check out” of. They are so stressful and upsetting that I often can’t remember exactly what happened, as if I was watching it from far far away instead of living it. Here comes the psychosis. The paranoia and delusions. And I always end up hurting myself, sometimes severely. Always end up hospitalized.

Mild depression sucks but I still have reason and I can function well. Maybe I move a bit slower and maybe the cleaning doesn’t get done as often but I never fall completely out of line.

Severe depression however is hell. I stop functioning. Showers? Wtf for. Cleaning? Why bother. Excessive negative thoughts, often along the lines of what’s the freaking point, nothing will ever help and even if it dies I’ll be right back here in a few months anyway. So wtf. Often I get paranoid in severe depression as well. This is when the brain splitting thing happens and I start believing my brain is trying to attack me. The worst.