So anxious tonight. I went all day without doing anything related to my father and that was weird. I'm worried because the body donation people were suppose to get back to me yesterday when they had a funeral home to work with. I've heard nothing and if this doesn't work out I think we'll have to do a traditional cremation which just isn't what we feel is appropriate. I'm worried we'll run out of time; once they have a funeral home I have to get all my siblings to sign releases for the donation and send them back in.

I'm coping by doing and not doing is really hard. I shoveled snow for a long time today and the physical activity felt good. I'm sore now though. This was great snow for making snowmen but not great for shoveling huge areas.

Tomorrow I finally see my therapist which I really need. Maybe he can help me relax a bit.

I am wanting to go see my father less and less but I don't want to back out on my brother. I want to go in some ways and in others don't. I keep hoping they'll take him off life support before we make it out there. I need the decision to be made for me. my therapist may try to do that; not sure he'll support the trip.

I just can't believe this is happening. It feels so unreal and I know that's because I'm not letting it feel real.