I'm so sorry you're struggling, marie4567 Please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely person to be around. However, it seems like you're struggling a lot with your self-esteem. I think you need to work on that. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. I believe there are also some good books on the subject. Perhaps you could try to check that out. Is your boyfriend supportive of you? Does he know how you feel about this? If he doesn't, I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. If he truly loves you, he will support you and try to help you with what you're going through. Please don't give up. You are just fine the way you are right now, it's just that you can't see it right now. But if you do get the help you need, I'm sure things will get better, although it will take time. You can do this! You're strong, I'm sure of that. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you