H and I have both agreed the 5hr drive is worth it considering all that is on the line. My last pdoc(and only one in that area) was 2hrs away and the next city with any is 4hrs anyway.

We might try telehealth in the future when things have been more stable for a while but I have tried it before and found it was way too hard to show emotion and energy with that disconnect.

I feel so bad about what I did I dont really know how to get over that. Every time this happens it really does get worse and this time I feel like I embarrased myself in front of almost all of the Drs and police(luckily only mental health related and I didnt commit any crimes) most of my workplace and quite a few EMS workers in my small town. Plus my kids obviously noticed how bad things were and had to come all the way there to see me at christmas and had me gone for a month.

Worst of all I think is how badly I scared H. I set it up so I could leave when he got home without him seeing me and without leaving the kids home alone. He begged me to tell him where I was and I wouldnt. Then when I started throwing up everything I called him back to get help and I was screaming from the pain and he thought I was stabbing myself because I had threatened to do it so many times in the past week. I couldnt tell him what happened because of how bad things were all I could do was manage to give a general location. He blames himself for going to work too which isnt fair to him when he already does so much for me.

I am very lucky I lived because this was a very serious attempt and I am very lucky I live in Canada so I can afford to drive to see this pdoc because there is no fee for our appointments or the hospital stay and especially the air ambulance ride. When I finally was able to think straight again that was the first thing I thought was I didnt know if I had to pay for that and I was so scared.