Heya, you're doing good by reaching out here. You know that you'll have lots of people pulling for you around the world.
I, for one, understand where you are right now. Over the past few days I've been balancing some very dark thoughts with the ramifications for my son if I were to leave him that way. We live to love. Departure by suicide says to our loved ones that it's okay. That's not a message I want to send to my family. I don't think you do, either.
I wish you peace and strength and hope. I'm headed out to see my T shortly, but will check back in as soon as I get home.