I cannot hold a job. I've had 10 in five years. Because of this, obviously I cannot afford to live, let alone seek treatment. I am about to be evicted.. rent was due a week ago and I have absolutely no money. Electricity due to be disconnected tomorrow.

Most times I feel like it is selfish for me to continue living. I feel like nothing but a resource-sucking space-occupier. I was once full of passion, but for years now, mostly pain and confusion. I am with a man who is my best friend, who loves me in a way most people are envious of.... yet I cause him more pain than anything else. He wants to see me smile, I cry. He wishes I would find peace, I talk of death. He was laid off two months ago and has been trying so very hard... to find full-time work... to keep me from fading away...

I do not have myself. Do I even want myself? It's becoming so increasingly difficult to even express my own thoughts with any sort of consistency I think, why even bother with treatment? My reason for wanting so badly to depart isn't just to take the age-old "easy way out", it's more to free everyone else around me. The ones who love me, who I have let down by not getting better, for losing even the desire to do such. I know they would get used to me being gone, after all.. that is what they say when someone dies... "life goes on".

This is so hard and I do not see any solution. It isn't the duty of any other human being to care for me or fix my life... even the idea of social security makes me feel queasy sometimes. I have an independant spirit but also a broken one that cannot seem to make things happen for herself.

I get so angry that it is painful. Despair and sadness even trigger anger. I have no outlet anymore. My coping mechanisms were mostly eccentric. self-mutilation, drugs and alcohol. Excessively. I did have a horse once... I rode dressage and it was my passion. I walked away from that too.

My intelligence has never been a subject of debate, yet I never graduated high school. I am 24 and cannot drive a car. Hell, even if I could, what would I drive and how would I get it?

I have never posted anything on these boards.. I'm nervous and I don't know why. I've always been a passive reader, hoping for a similar plight or issue or whatever to read upon and take advice from. Silly scared %#@&#!. I've always been scared of things... I'm borderline agoraphobic at this point... If one more person makes me walk into a grocery store full of people I might just turn around and run into traffic.

I really don't expect anyone to read this or give a rat's ***. I just needed to get some things out I guess....
I'm almost hoping that no one gives feedback, or atleast it isn't harsh if they do.

I have been struggling with myself for a long time. This 'illness' took hold of me very young, before I was even able to accomplish a mere high school diploma. It's ripped through my life and left me tattered and bruised. I'm watching my world crumble.

I wish the clouds would break.