I think I am very fair to myself. One thing that annoys her badly enough that she brings it up is how I care what other people think of me and I should not and just do what makes me happy.

She flat-out told me she doesn't care that I am not movie star good-looking and she thinks I am handsome, which is funny to me. My age seems to be a major plus for her which is strange to me. But, she says Russian guys are ugly so I guess the bar is low.

That is odd you think she sounds desperate, when I think I am the one acting that way. I don't know, relationships are difficult for me to figure out.

I don't know if marriage is a possibility. She wants to meet and see if we get along as well as we do right now but in person. The way the immigration system is setup, it is very difficult to have a normal progression in the relationship unless at least one of them is rich. Still, divorce rates among couples where one came from another country is significantly lower than among American citizens, even after the spouse that moved here gained citizenship.

It is certainly a complicated situation and I am being careful. I think I might be too careful, especially since she pulled back and has come back. I have been walking on eggshells unless she brings up certain topics. My MH, especially my paranoia is making things difficult on me and therefore on her. I don't explicitly leak out specific things I am thinking but it affects my conversation with her and certainly my demeanor. It is wrecking my sleep which makes everything in my head much worse.

Maybe I am too mentally ill for any type of relationship?