T yesterday. Went back and sat down. I filled him in on the 5K I'd done that Saturday, and he was very encouraging about it. He asked how I was doing and said he got the sense I was doing better, because we'd started with general chit chat and hadn't done that in a few sessions. I said I guessed so.

I said I felt the previous session had been helpful, in part because of talking about the coping mechanisms. He said he was glad. Me: "And also, it seemed like I'd kind of been holding back emotionally in here the few weeks before that. Like I might have been crying at home but was holding back in here for some reason. And last session, I felt I was really able to release that, which I think was really helpful." T: "Hm, I feel like you've been fairly emotional lately in here though." Me: "I mean, a month ago with the ex-MC stuff, definitely. I just feel I have been so much since then, like maybe got teary-eyed, but not like I was last session." T: "I don't know, I recall you being pretty upset a couple weeks ago." Me: "OK."

I don't think I quite realized what I was feeling at that moment, but later it hit me that I felt invalidated. Like my experience was that I released these feelings, and it was a big deal, and he didn't seem to think so. I think I need to bring that up next session...

I brought up how I'd been having lots of trouble sleeping the past few nights, like awake for a couple hours in the middle of the night, partly due to D being awake some, but also my own issues. He was empathetic. Somewhere in there, I mentioned how I generally sleep on the couch in the living room, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, but not recently. So he asked more about that. I explained some of the reasons behind it, and how it had been since I was pregnant. T was asking if I felt it caused emotional and physical (like sexual) distance from H. I said it kind of did. That I did miss how we'd have little chats in bed at times.

He asked if I was partly sleeping downstairs to avoid physical intimacy, and I said maybe part of it, but also I'm often just tired and want to go to sleep rather than feeling I should talk. And I often wake up in the middle of the night but don't want to disturb H, so when I was still sleeping in the bed, I'd just lie there, staring at the ceiling. I mean, maybe look at my phone a bit, but that's all. And sometimes I'd go downstairs, but worried about waking him up, because he tends to be cranky when not getting enough sleep (while I'm just used to it). Plus, now D often calls out for me in the middle of the night, so I'd have to go down two flights of stairs to her (she's one flight above living room--split-level townhouse). Which likely also would wake H. Or what if I couldn't hear her in there, especially when we have window AC unit in there in summer? Plus I said I kept having anxiety attacks when I tried to sleep up there last. So...lots of factors.

T seemed to understand and suggested I talk to H about my concerns regarding waking him, etc. And how if I try sleeping up there again, I could let him know that if I just get up and go downstairs, it's almost always that I'm just having trouble sleeping, and nothing to do with him (because I worry he'd ask me about it). I said I could do that, that maybe I could try to see if I could initially fall asleep up there, then if I have to come downstairs in the middle of the night, that's OK. Regarding sex, T suggested that we could come up with a rule that desire for physical intimacy would need to be expressed by one (or both) of us at least 30 minutes before bedtime. That the default would be no intimacy, so I wouldn't have to be like, "I'm going to be and just want to sleep." Or if I maybe just wanted to cuddle with him for a few minutes. I said that seemed like a good way to handle it.

Somewhere in there, while talking about the sofa, T said, in a rather bemused tone: "I feel like you use footnotes when you talk. Like I can almost see the superscript 1 up there when you say something. Like, 'So we do need to buy a new couch'--footnote--'though this one has served us well for 9 years'--'but it's gotten kind of worn down'--other footnote--'I mean, it's just from JC Penney, it's not high-end or anything.'" I laughed and said that yeah, I do kinda do that. But H would call it "overexplaining" and think of it as a negative thing.

Had about 10 minutes left. I brought up the drinking stuff again, said how while laying awake a few nights ago, came up with new plan for it. How each week, I'd set some goal that I'd want to achieve at least 5 of 7 days. Like the first week, no drinking before noon (yes, I know that's bad...). How I'd started that 3 days ago and had met the goal each day. T said that was good I'd met the goal. I said the idea was, I'd build on that, how the following week, I'd push the time later or else decide I couldn't have a drink before therapy (well, I guess pushing time later would work for that!) or that I couldn't drink after a certain time. T: "I'll support you in whatever you want to try." Me: "I appreciate that."

I said I was really trying to get back to more of a social drinking thing. Like, having a few beers with H in the evening. How right now, I feel my biggest issue/concern is drinking when I'm alone in the house, like during the day. And if I had a full-time job outside the house, it would keep me from doing that (I work freelance from home). T: "Is that the goal, to get a full-time job?" Me: "Eventually. I think? But obviously I need to figure out the drinking thing first. I mean, I'm not going to be one of those people with a bottle in my desk...."

T said how people he knows who work in addiction and from what they've told him, trying to moderate (i.e., what I'm doing) generally isn't successful. How it generally comes down to abstinence being what people need to do. He said some other stuff around that, but I think I kind of zoned out a bit. Because in my head, it just felt like "What you're trying to do is not going to be successful." Even though he didn't say those words. I said how I'd drank socially in the past, so I felt like I should be able to return to that. Like, I'm not someone who starts drinking and can't stop. I stressed how I very rarely actually get drunk, it's more just having like 5 beers spread out over the course of the day/evening.

I knew we had to stop. I said how maybe we needed to spend, say, 10 minutes each session talking about how the drinking was going, and T said we could do that if I thought it would help. Confirmed Thursday and Monday and, after some debate, scheduled for Wed. Thursday is my birthday, and I feel weird about going to therapy then. But, as I mentioned to T, next. Tues. or Wed. is also the anniversary of when I cheated on H, so I think I'll need extra support. So tentatively picked Wed., but T said I can always switch if I change my mind.

Went over and paid. Shook hands as T said "Good luck out there" (which he hasn't said recently), then, "Stay warm!" (It was very cold.) I said, "You too!" and was sorta hoping for a "take care," but didn't get one.

Went out and got in my car, where I immediately started sobbing. Sat there for 45 minutes crying, messaging with a couple friends, and ultimately emailing T. Will put that in separate post (even though it's short), as this is already quite long.

ETA: Comments OK.