I went in still a bit heavy hearted from the argument I had had with H about who should stay at home with our daughter (who was off school saying she had a stomach ache but turned out to be fine by about 10am). I wanted to express my frustration that H didn't see the value of therapy for me, and valued his work more, even though his hours are 100% flexible and his boss doesn't care when he's in as long as his job is done (and it turned out he could do a lot of it from home anyway). But I said the irony wasn't lost on me that I was there talking about feeling guilty for being there. He said yeah prob best not to spend 60 minutes on it.

I talked to him more about the notes from my first ever session with him. I said that reading that I had said my "portcullis" comes down had upset me because it had been T1's description of me, and I'm saddened that I took on his perception of me. T said he remembered it because he thought it had been a great metaphor.

I told him I was upset that he thought that. He asked what I was feeling. I said it reminded me of when T1 had written something else to me that I had found upsetting and when I showed it to T he said it was "a good piece of reflective writing". I said it made me think "go and ****ing work with him instead then". I felt jealous because I wanted him to say nice things about me, not T1.

T said he thought something then censored himself. I looked at him and he said "I thought 'he's not in your league'". Then proceeded to awkwardly qualify that he meant that in my favour even though it was obvious.

He said it is important to notice the jealousy. I said it's weird because when I meet other people he works with (I met one of his supervisees) I don't feel jealous at all, even though I might expect to. I feel proud of him. I said perhaps I also felt upset because the things T1 wrote and said hurt me, so I wanted him to dislike them.

We talked about a few things I'm doing professionally and it was nice.

We made eye contact and it felt unlike it has for ages. It felt intense and wonderful. I haven't felt that for ages. He asked me about it. I said it felt like he was transmitting love and I was receiving it and I could feel it coursing through me. Told him I wanted to know why now? Wby I could suddenly feel it. I said when we made eye contact I felt locked into it. I asked if he felt different to usual. He said he felt very relaxed with me today. He said this felt like a different way of being, though he wasn't consciously doing anything different. I told him that the "making sense of it" part wants to know why I feel this way and the "being in it" part wants to ask him to 'be' with me always.

I shifted out of it and he asked why. I said because there's 10 minutes left and I know I can't do this forever.

We talked about my feeling pride towards him and his achievements, almost to the point where I feel like I'm taking credit. He asked how that connects to our connection. I said our relationship is something that we both own and carry with us, so I feel like I have a part of him with me, and that's why it feels personal when someone says nice things about him or recommends his book etc.

He had happened upon some writing I had done and he said he felt pride and took enjoyment in that too. It felt like a really lovely conversation.

I realised time was up and I payed him and we stood up and hugged. It was SUCH a nice hug. He really squeezed me tight. I said "I love you" and as we separated he was smiling. As I was leaving I mentioned his new car. Weirdly it's the same type as a car I'm about to buy. He said he's hardly driven it yet. It has 9 miles on the clock. I said seeya and left.

Thinking about the hug and the eye contact makes me feel warm inside.