Today’s session was a humdinger. I began by telling R that I had been on high alert for the last week, and ‘Trying to rationalise being really pissed off.’
‘Trying to rationalise being really pissed off. Is that the same as trying to justify it?’
‘Yes –I still feel as though I don’t have the right to be angry, because I had a choice and I didn’t say ‘This is too much.’’

‘Because you had the choice, but didn’t say anything?’
‘I wasn’t in a place to be able to make a good decision.’ I went on to explain that when I cannot find a reason for my anger, I feel anxious. ‘Tuesday was the…anniversary of the email. Funny word to use, but…’

‘Tuesday was the day you got the email?’
‘There is some old stuff coming up…’
‘Do you want to share it, or do you want to keep on track?’
‘In previous situations it has been postulated, er proposed that I may be focusing on this, and that is not helpful.’
‘You feel as though they were making a judgement?’

‘Yes, and it isn’t helpful when it comes up six years later to create a now problem.’
I said to R that I was unsure whether I am more frustrated with the situation or the person I have become in trying to deal with it.

‘Do you feel angry right now?’
‘Right now, I am confused.’
‘I can feel you trying to work a lot of stuff out.’
‘I shouldn’t be having these reactions.’
‘I hear a lot of pressure, I’m not sure whether it is internal or external. You shouldn’t have these reactions because?’
‘After eight years…’
‘Because of the amount of time?’
‘I feel ashamed because I have become socially useless.’
‘Two big judgements there – “ashamed” and “socially useless”…Can we zone in on the ‘socially useless’ so that you can tell me what that is like?’

‘I had a conversation with a friend on Tuesday and I explained to them that January and April are hard.’
‘It sounds like you were authentic to a level that is comfortable for you, rather than containing it on your own. Going back to what you were saying, I am curious as to how your friend responded.’

‘This was the friend to whom I explained everything after we went out for dinner and she said ‘You look thoroughly bored.’’

‘Yes.’

‘Tuesday was not the day ot have that conversation. Her response was ‘Those people would want you to go on and enjoy life.’ That struck me as funny, because these people made it their business to do the opposite.’ R and I both laughed at the absurdity of that, and I continued. ‘On reflection, I am not sure whether she was talking about Chris, but either way, I think she would understand. I explained to R that my friend tells me she is ‘on the way’ to understanding my situation, and then responses like that show me how little she understands.
I reached for R’s hand to have the strength to say what I wanted next.

‘I want to be the same person I always have been, there for anyone, but I have learned from this that there has to be space for me too. I don’t feel equipped to handle anything else at the moment.’
‘Is that an acknowledgement I hear that this has affected you too deeply?’

‘Yes. Are boundaries hard for everyone?’

‘That’s a big question – if you’re asking me, I would say yes. You have to constantly renegotiate them.’
‘I had a great workshop at work on Saturday, and came away feeling really good. Then I got home and started to feel not so good again.’
‘That is the first time I have heard you describe something as great.’
‘I like the person I am when I am at work.’
‘What do you like about that person?’

‘I feel more confident in my own abilities. That person can lock the Critic in the Cabinet of Curiosities and not pick it up until the end of the session.’
‘That is huge, Lost. I have a sense of…creedom…that’s Critic and freedom together, I’m making up words today.’
We laughed at that. ‘Creedom. The Critic gets some me-time.’
‘Over Christmas, I had the opportunity to watch The Grinch for the first time. There was one moment ‘Now to deal with those pesky memories!’’ |

‘You know I won’t be able to stop picturing your Critic as The Grinch now.’
‘When I am at work, I have a purpose beyond survival.’

‘When I picture you at work, I picture you taking off a backpack full of all these heavy things. You take it off, and then you go in. I don’t know how often you work, but the fact that you are able to experience any time out of survival mode at all is great.’
R went on to explain that the difference between work and other social situations is that work is boundaried. I may find that easier because there is no expectation of others putting their stuff on me. I was impressed.
‘I’m no genius, Lost. I’m just making links using what you tell me.’
‘I think the thing with the anger is realising that there is no sense in which what happened is OK, and finding ways to express that without hurting anyone.’

‘We’ve come full circle. I feel a bit emotional after that. Do you feel like there’s a light?’
‘There’s something here today that hasn’t been before.’