[QUOTE=peerue;6412726]

Hello Peerue. That sounds frustrating and stressful for you and your hub. I would like to point out that you are doing an awful LOT for your ADULT children. My parents didn't have the money to pay for my university or my siblings so we took out loans and worked as much as possible. it didn't hurt a single one of us! We learned the value of money and the importance of building our own autonomy. I am now in my late 30s and a successful professional many years out from completion of grad school. I still have debt but I chip away at it. I don't believe that my parents or the world owed me a free ride. Beyond the age of 18 I think adults need to be treated as adults. Even prior to that I think they should be having some sort of job to learn self-discipline and how to manage money even if it's only a small amount per week.

I understand your desire to support your children financially...to set them up for success. I am also wondering if you are doing too much? Just a thought. There's a parenting quote which I think is really powerful: "You want to give you kids enough such that they can do something but not so much that they won't do anything." Does that resonate with you at all?

20 is too old to be having mum and dad paying for everything. That doesn't foster self-discipline and the development of autonomy. You may find the research on "helicopter parenting" and millennials very useful. Particularly with regard to their self-esteem and mental health. Turns out that indulgence and help at every step in life does not actually lead to confident and resilient adults...it tends to have the opposite effect. Some research from universities is indicating the millenials (compared to prior generations) tend to be the most emotionally brittle and more prone to anxiety and depression because they have been so heavily monitored and indulged by their parents. They are learning the hard way that life isn't easy and struggling is part of being human. For example, research indicates that some of these kids are completely falling apart after a break-up with a bf/gf or getting less than an A on an exam. I had one professor who told me she had many students who actually felt entitled to As regardless of their ability or efforts. Yikes! Some researchers link that to the "everyone's a winner" and "everyone gets a prize" movement with young children.

I don't think it matters if one child is in uni and the other is not. They both need to work, learn to support themselves, and find their own way in the world. I assume we are talking about two healthy cognitively intact adults, yes? Correct me if I'm wrong.

I'll tell you about two friends of mine. They are a married couple in their late 40s. They have an adult son who is now about 23. They indulge their son to the point where it honestly startles me at times. He moved out and spent all his money on extravagant gifts for himself so he didn't have anything left for rent. Eventually he moved back with his parents. They pay for everything even though he has a full-time job. They give him money to save for a house and he spends it on gifts for himself and then asked for more. He does not contribute to any expenses. Papa Bear is sick of it and beginning to see that their indulgence is actually stunting his growth rather than fostering it. Mama Bear still perceives her 23 yr old as a baby. She insists on catering to his every whim. Just a story for you which may help you think it through.

If your daughter wants to move out, let her. Give yourself, and her, time to cool off from the anger. Please step back and consider that she is 20 years old and not a minor. She should not be dependent (emotionally or financially) on you and your hub. She needs to grow up and support herself. I think you mentioned that she has trouble holding down jobs. That can be a sign of someone who hasn't yet learned self-discipline. A very very important skill to learn in adulthood. We don't develop self-discipline by having everything done for us. What about you and your folks? Sounds like you and hub are doing well in life Did your folks give absolutely everything to you in adulthood? I have a hunch that they didn't but I could be wrong.

Perhaps part of her frustration is her parents' heavy involvement in every aspect of her life? I've never met parents paying for everything for their adult children who weren't also getting really involved on the emotional side of things...day to day decisions etc. If that sounds like you and you daughter or son, that's really not helpful for any of you. I like to look at both sides in any relationship. Perhaps your daughter perceives you as controlling? I don't know you. I'm just helping you think it through. Perhaps she feels suffocated and wants to stretch her wings on her own? A good thing, right?

Another way to think about it: what's the ultimate goal of parenting? To encourage adult children to always depend on you and hub for everything or to guide your children to go out in the world and build their own autonomous lives?

I recommend consultation with a psychologist to address your side of things...to help you work through the anger and understand why you feel compelled to indulge your adult children.

As for her not seeming grateful...when everything is so very easy...when everything is handed to someone...they lack the perspective of working for things and earning things...hence gratitude is forgotten. I'll never forget my first pay cheque or the grades I worked hard for...what a wonderful feeling to earn those!!!

Peace to your and your clan!