This issue has been a big one for me. My daughter has spent the past decade holding a grudge against me and a big part of it is that I didn’t financially support her when she chose not to go to college. Not only that, she spent a couple of years not even working at all. It was a mess. I made it clear I would help her through college and I would always help her in an emergency. But I wouldn’t support her partying and her poor spending habits. Over the years I did give her furniture and other gifts. Her dad gave her a car but it was old and she didn’t like it so she wouldn’t drive it. Whatever we did try to do... It was never enough and I know she blames me for the bad financial situation she is in now.

I don’t know what I should or would have done differently... but I can tell you that being a doormat and beating myself up over this all these years was destructive and has taken a big toll on me. I’ve always felt like I didn’t do enough for her... yet I have felt completely unappreciated for the things I did do... I feel like a failure as a mother and I feel unhappy when she visits because I just feel pressure to do more and nothing is good enough. I don’t even know now if the pressure is coming from her or me.

At some point, our kids have to take responsibility for their own lives and accept consequences for their own decisions... We all have to do that eventually. I need to take responsibility for the emotions I’ve built up over all this. Some people have suggested I try counseling and I’m saving up some money and considering it...

So don’t do what I did. Make a decision and have faith in yourself that you are doing the best you can do.