So this is really obvious yet somehow I could never see it...

I’ve posted here about wanting to make friends and to build healthy friendships. I’ve been sad that I just don’t form lasting friendships. I’ve been working on this and I’ve been trying to be more mindful of my emotions and behaviors.

I met a few people recently and we’ve been making plans to meetup. Here’s what I noticed myself starting to do... and this is how I’ve been sabotaging my relationships... I don’t set boundaries at the start of the relationship and then I get upset and try to do it after the fact... and so it inevitably ends in tension or conflict.

I have recently been invited to some events and I really haven’t wanted to go. Either the timing was an issue, or the cost, or it’s just not something I want to do. I noticed myself deliberating and feeling as though I should go along with everything... whether I want to or not and even if it’s inconvenient for me... it’s that people pleasing nonsense I do...

I can see myself worrying that if I don’t do what people want then they won’t want to be my friend. It’s childish. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I worry people won’t be in my life if I don’t bend over backwards to accommodate them? Why would I want those kinds of relationships. I’m better off alone than putting myself through this...

I end up frustrated and resentful when people don’t make the same accommodations for me that I make for them... but this is the way my relationships are starting out so why would they change later? Why develop expectations later that I didn’t communicate up front? I even did this with my dear hubby when we first got together and we had to work through all that. I communicate and set boundaries extremely well with hubby now and he’s kindly pointed out I don’t always do the same with friends and with my daughter.

So I’ve been saying no to invites that just don’t work for me. I’ve been communicating more honestly and it’s not as easy as it sounds. I tend to deliberate on what to say and how not to hurt people’s feelings... worrying I won’t be invited again if I say no... good grief it’s just a matter of thanking the person for the kind invite and stating I have other commitments and can’t make it. Why has that been so hard? I will never know.