T yesterday. Went back and sat down. Commented on the rainy weather. I took off my coat and T noted how my floral rainboots matched some floral stripes in my shirt and said how coordinated I was. Me: "It was kind of accidental. Plus I generally don't try to be so matchy-matchy." T: "Well, it worked. Also, that's another footnote!" Me (smiling at the reference from last time): "And it's about feet!" T laughed: "True!" Me: "Actually, is it OK if I take the boots off? I'm wearing socks." T: "Sure, teenagers do that all the time in here." Me: "OK, thanks." Took off boots (first time being shoeless in there) and sat cross-legged on the couch, immediately feeling more relaxed. (Hm, perhaps I'm on to something there...)

The email from Monday came up, where I felt he didn't believe that I could be successful in reducing drinking. I started crying, grabbed the box of tissues and sat it next to me on the couch. Me: "I feel like I should have just sat with the feelings, but...I was just feeling really bad. I didn't include this in the email because I felt awkward about it, but...I actually sent the email from my car in the parking lot here. I'd been sitting there for 45 minutes crying, messaging with a couple friends, but still feeling bad. And H and D were at home because she was off, and I felt I just needed to get myself together enough to go home. Like I had planned to stop to pick up beer on the way home since we were almost out and I was just feeling hopeless about that. And I just wanted to go have a beer somewhere because I felt so bad, and then I felt bad that I wanted to deal with it by having beer."

T: "So you were kind of spiraling." Me: "Yeah." T: "It's good you were reaching out to other people and that it helped some." Me: "Yeah, it did. Just...not enough I guess." T: "Do you want to talk about what you got from what I said Monday?" Me: "I guess...I know much of it was me projecting, like I'm having trouble believing in myself, so I took what you said and...I don't know." T: "I know I didn't say that I thought you couldn't do it." Me: "Yeah, it was more that you were talking about how cutting back tends not to work for people and citing experts and things, so it just felt like you were implying it wouldn't work."

T: "I didn't mean to suggest that. I think it's good that you're trying to think of new ways to approach this, that you're trying." Me: Thanks." T: "The main thing I was trying to get across is how difficult it can be. And I didn't want you to beat yourself up over it if you weren't being successful right away." Me: "Oh OK. So you were trying to normalize it." T: "Yes. Addiction is a huge problem in this country. Many people struggle with it. It's not an easy thing to overcome. So I wanted to make sure you know I realize that. And that I'm not going to judge you for it." Me: "OK, that helps, thanks."

Talked more about specific plans, what I wanted to accomplish. Me: "I guess I'm trying right now to focus on what I'd consider the more dysfunctional aspects of my drinking, like what I'd be reluctant to tell people about." T: "OK." Me: "Like drinking during the day. Yesterday I got together with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while." T: "That's good!" Me: "Yeah, was good to see her. We had a couple drinks in the afternoon. I feel that's OK, because it's social. But what I'm looking to eliminate is sitting home by myself at noon, having a beer or two. Because like if I was working a 9-5 job outside the home, I wouldn't be doing that." T: "OK, I see. So you want to extinguish that aspect of the drinking." Me: "Yes."

I said how I'd been successful the past 6 days at the not drinking before noon, with the exception of that day, because I had a session (session was later Monday). T: "That's good! You met your goal!" I said I was debating if the next week, I should push it back an hour, to 1. T: "OK, but I know you like to have a drink before sessions." Me: "Yeah, but I need to get out of that habit." T: "Don't push yourself to do something you're not ready for." Me: "OK...maybe I could just set the later time for days I don't have session for now." T: "Another thing you could do is plan a certain number of cheat"--Me: "Days?" T: "I was going to say beers, a certain number of cheat beers, that won't count against you. Say, 2, so that's 2 beers you don't really count. I mean, it doesn't have to be 2, it could be 50 if you want." Me: "I think 50 is a bit too many!" T: "Yeah, probably."

I said how I'd been trying to track my goals, like what time I had the first drink and how many I had total that day. Me: "Is there any chance I could be, sort of, accountable to you for that? Like to maybe spend a few minutes each session talking about how I'm doing, maybe showing you the tracking?" T: "I'd be open to that." Me: "Really? Because ex-MC and ex-T refused to do that for me." T: "They did?" Me: "Yeah, with ex-MC with the drinking and ex-T...well, she tended to hand-wave the drinking part." T: "Huh." Me: "And at one point, when ex-pdoc wanted me to do day program/partial inpatient (note: for an issue not related to drinking), I came up with this plan for self-care with ex-T where I'd track things I'd do like exercise. But then she refused to look at the tracking, so..." T: "Really? That's weird. Doesn't seem very helpful." Me: "Yeah, especially because we came up with it together."

Me: "So, then I can maybe share that info with you? I mean, even if I just give you a sheet with the info on it, you wouldn't even have to read it." T: "Well that would be kind of pointless." Me: "OK, yeah, I just didn't want you to feel obligated to look at it." T: "I'm willing to look at it and discuss it if you think it would help. I know it can be good to have someone to be accountable to." Me: "OK, thanks." T: "You can be accountable to someone else if you want, too." Me: "Well, I'd feel weird with a friend. And with H, he'll just be like, 'If you want to stop, just stop.' So I don't think that would be helpful. But you're OK with it, right? I mean, I could just show you for a little bit, wouldn't have to be for a long time."

T: "You can show me for however long will be helpful. There's not a 3-month time limit or anything. It takes as long as it takes." Me: "OK, thank you. I mean, I know ideally, I should just be accountable to myself, it should be enough." T: "But it's not that easy. Willpower is way overrated. People expect to be able to get through with willpower alone, but things like addiction can be really powerful. It's OK to need more help with that." Me: "OK, thank you, that helps to hear. And I guess you have faith that people can overcome it." T: "I generally believe in people's abilities to make positive changes in their lives." Me: "Yeah, I guess if you didn't, you're probably in the wrong job!"

Somewhere in there, I said how I've been capable of stopping when I needed to. Like once I learned I was pregnant, I didn't have any drinks the whole time, and even only let myself have have a nonalcoholic beer toward the end. And when I had a DWI 15 years ago and wasn't allowed to drink for a year, I stopped, because I could have gone to jail if I had a drink (violating probation). Me: "So shouldn't I care about myself, my own well-being enough to do this now?" T: "But those were things with immediate potential consequences. It's much harder to think far into the future. If you have one drink now, it's not going to kill you immediately. It's a cumulative effect that can effect you years from now. It's the same reason people have trouble believing in global warming, because the main effects won't be for 30 more years." Me: "OK, yeah, that makes sense."

Confirmed Monday, and T asked if I still wanted Wednesday (my birthday is Thursday). I said I thought so, because I imagine I'll struggle early in the week due to an anniversary. But then I wonder, would Friday be better? Me: "It's like I'm trying to forecast what my mental health will be a week from now...But I'll keep Wed." T: "I tell you what, I'll keep you on Wednesday, but you can let me know for sure Monday. I'll have clients, but not so many I'd be all booked up Thursday and Friday. So if you change your mind, you may not get your ideal time, but I'll get you in." Me: "OK, thank you."

Went over and paid. T shook my hand while saying, "Have a good...uh, weekend---yes, weekend, it's Thursday." Me: "Yes, Thursday, right. Thanks, you too." T: "Take care of yourself." Me: "You too."